For any of you who formerly followed my previous blogs, I regret to inform you The Barman is dead. He was found drowned face down in a giant puddle of Crown Royal and puke.
Stop it! Wipe those tears and suck in that quivering lip, for a new breed of bartender sagacity and ferociousness has arisen, like a phoenix from the ashes: The Real Barman is here, and like Jason Bourne in The Bourne Ultimatum, I have suddenly recalled my true purpose and identity, which is to deliver to you, the drinkers of the world, an unbiased, unedited view of the world of booze and bartending.
Sure, The Barman was a voice for those things, but it was a feeble, flaccid voice that was constantly being censored by my own Jiminy Cricket. The are a million “Barmans” out there providing meek, politically correct thoughts and advice for those who cannot stomach the truths of the world which are nothing more than people’s real thoughts which rarely make a public appearance based on their fear of the repercussions. That way everything stays nice and tidy and no one is offended and we can all move through life with happy smiles and nods of approval as we tip-toe around each other in spectacular monotony as to not rock the boat.
I say bullshit to all that! From this day forth, I refuse to congregate with the Oprahs of the world anymore. I want Charlie Sheen. I want Lindsay Lohan. I want to hang with people who get stinking, falling-down drunk and don’t apologize for it. I want to celebrate Christmas without worrying about celebrating Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or any of the other crap holidays that don’t come within a stone’s throw of our tradition of Santa and elves and a shitload of presents under the tree. In other words, I want what I want without worrying about the judgments cast at me from all the do-gooders standing nearby who roll their eyes and label me as the example to show their kids who never to be.
In short, this is The Barman Ultimatum, in which I’m offering you a choice to come along with me to explore the world of booze, bartending and debauchery, or to continue on leading a life of quiet discontentment. In this world you’re either Jason Bourne or you’re Jason Bateman. Pick one and go with it.
Cheers, until next time, and welcome to The Real Barman Chronicles.
The Real Barman