Why Bartending Schools Don’t Work

Why Bartending Schools Don’t Work

In case you’re as dim as a 10-watt bulb, you are quite alert to the fact that I am anti-bartending school. I’ve been bartending and bar managing for 15 years now and I can’t quite describe my level of agitation when I see all the articles on the Internet that advise people to sign up for them. I kid you not, it peeves me beyond belief. It’s like going to grocery clerk school so you can get a job at Safeway. Sounds ridiculous, but it’s not that far from the truth. They memorize a boatload of fruit and vegetable codes, work in a computer system, deal with customers and they have to be fast or the line backs up. So why aren’t there schools for them? (Hmmm…new idea alert…) The reason is because being a bartender is a coveted and sought after position and schools were created by those who saw a chance to earn a buck. Nothing wrong with that. These are...
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Look Ma, I’m in Cosmo

Look Ma, I’m in Cosmo

It’s true, apparently I’ve made it big time. No, I’m not one of the hot dudes with his shirt off giving smoky looks of lust. In fact, there is no picture of me at all (at least not yet), only my name.  One of the writers from Cosmopolitan Magazine reads my blog and she was doing a story on date rape drugs so she called me up to ask if I’d had any experiences with them. I have. Two times. The article only touches on the two incidences briefly, but the one where the guy who gives me $30 to put a roofie in a girl’s drink, so I took his $30 and had my security guy throw him on to a fire hydrant out front. Yep, that’s me.  Cosmo even highlighted the part that features me because they must have felt it was the most important part of the article. I swear I had nothing to do with that.  Nope. Once you’ve finished...
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The Douchebag’s 10-Step Guide for Proper Bar Behavior

The Douchebag’s 10-Step Guide for Proper Bar Behavior

Sometimes I love my job.  And sometimes I feel like a dirty hooker lying on her back on a urine soaked mattress in a sleazy motel:  I focus on a spot on the wall and allow my mind to drift to a happier place in order to avoid the sweating, grunting clientele who just want what they want without the distraction of human interaction or emotional commitment. If you ever find yourself in my bar and feel the need to act like one of these douchebags I’m speaking of, follow this simple step-by-step guide to ensure that you and everyone you come in contact with has an awkward, uncomfortable bar experience.   Step 1:  Upon arriving, become annoyed when Dave asks for your ID, as he should know who you are. It is extremely inconvenient to dislodge your license from the little plastic window in your wallet and can only be compared to receiving paper cuts on your eyelids. Dave should know, just by looking at...
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