VS.              

It’s no secret that I want to be Jason Bourne.  I want the ability to walk into a diner, sit down at a table and recall the license plate numbers of all six cars outside.  I want to know that the waitress is left-handed and that the guy at the counter weighs two-hundred fifty pounds and knows how to handle himself.  Jason Bourne is stupid-awesome, like a Ninja who’s so baddass he doesn’t even need that black hooded mask to hide his identity.

Then there’s Chuck Norris.  I don’t get the fuss.  He’s hairy and looks like a porn star, the kind who drives a van and hands out candy to small children.  There’s all these facts and jokes in books and on t-shirts about how Chuck rules the universe with his badass-ness, but I think he just has a really good PR guy.  The truth is, Jason could snap Chuck’s liver-spotted neck like uncooked spaghetti any time he wanted to.

10 Reasons Why Jason Bourne Makes Chuck Norris Look Like the Stapler Guy From Office Space

1.   It takes Chuck 47 minutes to defeat a single opponent in a fight that has him losing the majority of the time.  Jason can kill 9 special-op soldiers in 4.3 seconds with a rolled up magazine and a ballpoint pen, before he calmly walk-escapes through a complex maze of people and buildings.

2.  Jason’s quick-thinking intuition is mind-blowing.  While trapped in buildings he takes emergency maps down from walls, knocks out government soldiers and takes their communication devices to eavesdrop on the other soldiers.  When faced with danger, Chuck just strokes his porno mustache and squints a lot, as if he’s always facing west in the late afternoon.

3.  Jason has the most kick-ass theme music ever!  Just hearing a couple notes of it has me walking faster and looking for a ballpoint pen to stab into someone’s neck.

4.  When Chuck takes his shirt off all I can think of is scouring that gross ring around my bathtub with a giant Brillo pad.

5.  Walker, Texas Ranger and Sidekicks.  Really, Chuck?  Really?

6.  Jason has forgotten more than Chuck knows.  Despite his amnesia, Jason manages to somehow kill all of his co-assassin buddies before taking down the crooked leaders of the FBI, CIA and the foreign consulate.

7.  Jason likes vodka.  He throws some in a Russian guard’s face to disarm him and then later uses it to disinfect his wound before drinking it.  Chuck drinks Minute Maid juice boxes.

8.  Chuck tucks his shirts into jeans tight enough to fit a twelve year old boy and then cinches them tighter using a belt with a buckle the size of a license plate (which Jason would memorize if he saw it).  That’s why when Walker, Texas Ranger fights he has to settle for kicking bad guys in the stomach.  His jeans won’t allow a high round-kick to the face.

9.  Jason is so important and dangerous he has hundreds of people chasing him and trying to kill him while Chuck is over on channel 648 selling the Shake Weight or whatever.

10.  Bruce Lee kills Chuck in Way of the Dragon.  It wasn’t like a stray bullet hit him or a sniper took him out from 800 yards.  If someone kills you in a one-on-one fight, you can’t ever possibly be in contention for baddest man on the planet.  Period!