If you’ve been on the fence lately as to whether you’ve been drinking too much. See if any of these apply. You might be a drunk if…
You take a shot of 151 and complain to the bartender that it isn’t strong enough.
While drinking a beer on your couch, you yell at your cat to stop judging you.
You buy a home based on the cost of the cab fare from the bar to your house.
You can’t find your friends once your wallet is empty.
Partying with your friends starts to get in the way of your alone drinking time.
Your soon-to-be bride still needs something old and something blue so you offer your liver.
You spoon your toilet more than your girlfriend.
The guy at the liquor store invites you to his kids’ graduations because you put them through college.
Bums start tossing you change…and you aren’t offended.
You fill your emergency gas can with a pint of your blood in case your car runs out of gas.
You have to travel 40 miles to find a bar that hasn’t banished you.
Your idea of a thanksgiving feast is drinking a bottle of Wild Turkey and giving thanks for sluts.
You ask the bank teller if she wants to so a body shot.
You text twice as much at 2:00 a.m. as you do at noon.
You go to AA meetings because all the drunk loose women hang out there.
Your dinner consists of olives, cherries, onions, lemons, limes and you use miniature umbrellas for silverware.
You feel sophisticated but you can’t say sophisticated.
You make sure your cocktail has a cup with a lid for when you take showers.
Instead of a handshake you greet people with a headlock.
You pay off bets to your friends in 12-packs and Jack Daniels.
When it comes time to stoke the fire all you have to do is spit on it.
You buy a fireman’s uniform for going out because firemen always get free drinks.
“Last Call” are the only two words in the English language that make you cry.
You get 365 fake ID’s with 365 fake birth dates so you can get free drinks.
You wear knee pads to the bars to prepare for the crawl home.
You’re convinced that Jesus was born on Prohibition Repeal day because if any day should involve buying presents for everyone you know, it should be THAT day.
You know EXACTLY how many pieces of gum were stuck to the underside of the bar last night.
You don’t have to imagine what a beer with a cigarette floating in it all night tastes like. You already know.