I just love when people come into my bar looking for a deal. Just so there’s no confusion, there are no clearance items. This is not Sears or JCPenny and I am not a used car salesman.
This piece-of-work-cool-guy came into my place about two weeks ago trying to impress his buddies with his negotiations skills:
Some Guy: Do you have any specials tonight?
Me: You mean like swordfish?
Some Guy: No, to drink.
Me: Sure, how about a blackberry mojito with fresh blackberries, mint and Bacardi Limon rum.
Some Guy: How much is that?
Me: Ten bucks.
Some Guy: No, I wanted a special, dog.
Me: How can you possibly get more special than a blackberry mojito?
Some Guy: By not selling them for ten bucks. I’m asking if you have any deals. I’m a really good tipper. Can you hook me up?
Me: Well, disregarding the fact that you left me fifty cents for the three Crown and Cokes you ordered the last time you were here, I would be delighted to “hook you up” based on fabricated promises of future and possibly gargantuan tips you may or may not leave on the bar in the form of dimes and quarters.
Some Guy: What are you talking about? That wasn’t me. I used to bartend.
Me: You did? Then you must know the secret handshake. If you know the secret bartender handshake I can give you free drinks all night.
Some Guy: Very funny. Come on, you gotta have something. Two for one on beers maybe?
Me: Ohhhhh, I get it. You think this is a yard sale, where you can bargain for used items.
Some Guy: (Laughing) Exactly. Help a brother out.
Me: Well, there’s this half a Budweiser left in the bottle that this guy didn’t drink. You can have the rest of it for $2.
Some Guy: Ha, ha (sarcastic). That’s gross.
Me: You don’t like my yard sale?
Some Guy: You don’t have to be an asshole. I just thought we could help each other out. I’ll have a Crown and Coke, but make the Coke light, if you know what I mean.
Me: Got it. One Crown and Diet Coke coming up.
Some Guy: No, not light like that. I mean make it strong.
Me: Gotcha, you want to order a double.
Some Guy: NO! I mean, make it strong but I don’t want to pay for a double.
Me: Pardon my ignorance. NOW I understand. You want me to steal liquor from the owners of this place and move it at a cheaper price so that you can save some money and I can risk losing my job.
Some Guy: Give me a break. Bartenders do it all the time, bro.
Me: I see. So you’re suggesting that I should become a conformist?
Some Guy: A what? What’s that?
Me: Have you ever heard of Hitler’s army?
Some Guy: I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. I’m just sayin’, you know how it works. You hook me up, I hook you up.
Me: That sounds like quite a visionary system you’ve invented, and despite the life-changing possibilities that your fifty cents could provide for me and my family, I’m going to have to decline restructuring the fixed price arrangements that have been established here.
Some Guy: Forget it. I’ll go somewhere else.
Me: Sorry we didn’t have what you wanted. Come back again and I’ll give you fifty cents off your mojito.
Some Guy: Blow me!
I’d probably be the next guy in line waiting patiently for this buffoon to finish wasting your time. Good tippers don’t announce themselves, they tip well. Smart customers know that any special prices will be more than adequately advertised.
I want to watch you in action.
Hey, can “I” get that 2.00 half-drunken beer? I used to have people like that coming into the restaurant I worked at…and it pisses me off! AND Good Job, RB! I love how you write!
Sure, Corina. Come on in, I’ll keep it cold for you (although it might be a bit flat by the time you get there).
The RB
you are hilarious,,you say all the things i used to want to say when i bartended.
One time I went to the bar to buy my regular drink only to discover the price went up without my noticing, and I was 20c short. I mean – I had an extra 20c but it was in my wallet back at my table and I’m very stylish and wear gorgeous shoes that are designed for looking at, not walking in, so I was a bit shattered. I mean, not so shattered I wouldn’t walk back, but still dismayed at the effort involved. I said “Oh man, that sucks” and the bar girl said “Sorry – but I’m not going to pay it for you.” It took me a moment to realise she thought I was asking for a deal and then I laughed a lot because who’s so cheap as to complain about 20c?
Hey Gen… you hooked me up with my long-lost-cousin (this here bartender) from the other side of the world. Thanks!
You really are queenly.
Yes, well done Gen. Small world. As for you Laurie, I think I could probably find you your own Crown and Coke on the house. No buck required. What are cousins for?
I’d tip you a fiver, then, Davey. XOXO
Wow … I don’t know what to say. I wish my cousin was a bartender. Who the hell needs construction workers?
I hope you actually say things like this.
My pet peeves are my weakness (i.e. cheap people lobbying for free stuff), which means my mouth opens before I can think. I’m sure it will get me in trouble one day.
My mouth always gets me in trouble, but regardless, I just find another way to undermine them. (:
Oh man, what I would not give to sit at the corner of your bar (drinking and quietly tipping nicely) and see you in action! I hope your employer will back you if you ever did get into some kind of trouble.
New subscribed reader here. I have my own private bar in my house. I like to read your real bartending stories!
Greetings, O’Shea. Nice of you to stop by. Pull up a stool and we’ll have a drink and toast the drunks that give us good stories. I love me an Irishman. Cheers.
The RB
In his defense, it is a recession and all. I mean, drinking can get expensive. What is that saying? Cognac taste on a Mad Dog budget?
In all reality, I’m grateful for jerkwads like this. They give me something to laugh about.
I’ll agree with you on that, we are still in a bit of a recession. Unfortunately I don’t believe this guy’s actions are based on the economic state of the nation. I’m quite certain he would snatch a hot dog from a child at a birthday party when they weren’t looking.
Thanks for stopping by, Meg.
The RB
I agree this was most likely not a matter of economics, but simply a time where this dude was trying to be douchetastic. I was just trying out this new optimism thing my therapist told me about…
Would you give *me* a light-on-the-coke Crown and Coke? I’d leave you a buck…