I just love when people come into my bar looking for a deal. Just so there’s no confusion, there are no clearance items. This is not Sears or JCPenny and I am not a used car salesman.
This piece-of-work-cool-guy came into my place about two weeks ago trying to impress his buddies with his negotiations skills:
Some Guy: Do you have any specials tonight?
Me: You mean like swordfish?
Some Guy: No, to drink.
Me: Sure, how about a blackberry mojito with fresh blackberries, mint and Bacardi Limon rum.
Some Guy: How much is that?
Me: Ten bucks.
Some Guy: No, I wanted a special, dog.
Me: How can you possibly get more special than a blackberry mojito?
Some Guy: By not selling them for ten bucks. I’m asking if you have any deals. I’m a really good tipper. Can you hook me up?
Me: Well, disregarding the fact that you left me fifty cents for the three Crown and Cokes you ordered the last time you were here, I would be delighted to “hook you up” based on fabricated promises of future and possibly gargantuan tips you may or may not leave on the bar in the form of dimes and quarters.
Some Guy: What are you talking about? That wasn’t me. I used to bartend.
Me: You did? Then you must know the secret handshake. If you know the secret bartender handshake I can give you free drinks all night.
Some Guy: Very funny. Come on, you gotta have something. Two for one on beers maybe?
Me: Ohhhhh, I get it. You think this is a yard sale, where you can bargain for used items.
Some Guy: (Laughing) Exactly. Help a brother out.
Me: Well, there’s this half a Budweiser left in the bottle that this guy didn’t drink. You can have the rest of it for $2.
Some Guy: Ha, ha (sarcastic). That’s gross.
Me: You don’t like my yard sale?
Some Guy: You don’t have to be an asshole. I just thought we could help each other out. I’ll have a Crown and Coke, but make the Coke light, if you know what I mean.
Me: Got it. One Crown and Diet Coke coming up.
Some Guy: No, not light like that. I mean make it strong.
Me: Gotcha, you want to order a double.
Some Guy: NO! I mean, make it strong but I don’t want to pay for a double.
Me: Pardon my ignorance. NOW I understand. You want me to steal liquor from the owners of this place and move it at a cheaper price so that you can save some money and I can risk losing my job.
Some Guy: Give me a break. Bartenders do it all the time, bro.
Me: I see. So you’re suggesting that I should become a conformist?
Some Guy: A what? What’s that?
Me: Have you ever heard of Hitler’s army?
Some Guy: I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. I’m just sayin’, you know how it works. You hook me up, I hook you up.
Me: That sounds like quite a visionary system you’ve invented, and despite the life-changing possibilities that your fifty cents could provide for me and my family, I’m going to have to decline restructuring the fixed price arrangements that have been established here.
Some Guy: Forget it. I’ll go somewhere else.
Me: Sorry we didn’t have what you wanted. Come back again and I’ll give you fifty cents off your mojito.
Some Guy: Blow me!