If you’re a guy, one of your favorite things to do is ridicule other guys for the things they choose to indulge in if those things aren’t manly enough. Just last night a guy ordered a lemondrop martini from me and his buddy said to him, “Don’t forget to lift up your skirt when you sit down to pee that thing out, Sally.”
If you’ve been wondering if you measure up to man-standards, it’s time for you to take TheRealBarman Man Quiz. Ladies: you can play along too. Perhaps your man needs a little help in the cock and balls department. At the end, add up your score and see where you rank as a man. And by the way, I won’t be flipping the answers upside down like they do in magazines to obscure the answers, because I know how impossible it is to read the letters A, B, C, and D when they are turned upside down.
1. MANLIEST MEAL
B) Steak and baked potato
C) Cucumber sandwiches
D) Hungry Man TV dinner
Answer: B – Based on the word “Man” in its name, you may feel like it should be D, but if you’re eating Hungry Man dinners, you’re simply a loser who lives alone.
B = 4 pts; A = 3 pts; D = 2 pts; C = 1 pt
2. MANLIEST MOVIE
B) King Kong
Answer: C – There has never been a man who has experienced more violence, sex, cursing, drinking, cigar smoking and cocaine in a movie than Tony Montana. This is a no-brainer.
C = 4 pts; D = 3 pts; A = 2 pts; B = 1 pt.
3. MANLIEST SONG
A) Margaritaville – Jimmy Buffet
B) One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer – George Thoroughgood
C) My Heart Will Go On – Celine Dion
D) Kill ‘em All – Metallica
Answer: B – If you’ve never heard this song, allow me to enlighten you: George loses his job, turns to alcohol to solve his problems, is threatened by his landlady to pay his rent or be thrown out on his ass, fucks his landlady, still refuses to pay his rent, returns to the bar and orders the bartender around before slamming his bourbon, his Scotch, and his beer down his throat all at once. Now THAT’S manly. Fuck yeah, George!
B = 4 pts; D = 3 pts; A = 2 pts; C = You’re Gay
4. MANLIEST SEXUAL POSITION
C) My hand and I
Answer: A – Ok, that one was easy. With the woman on her hands and knees like an animal feeling degraded and vulnerable, you, the man, are in complete control while you dictate the action, using her hips as the rudder to steer the ship.
A = 4 pts; B = 3 pts; C = 2 pts; D = 1/2 pt.
5. MANLIEST CAR
A) Convertible Jeep
B) VW Cabriolet
C) BMW 760i
Answer: A – Don’t be fooled into thinking the answer is D here just because Hummers have the ability to take over small countries. 3 miles to the gallon is not masculine, it’s stupid, and if you drive a Hummer, you’re not manly, you’re a douchebag! Driving a muddy jeep that you just went four-wheeling in is manly.
A = 4 pts; C = 3 pts; D = 2 pts; B = 1 pt.
6. MANLIEST DRINK
C) Scotch on the rocks
D) Brandy in a snifter
Answer: A – Tough one here. C is a close second or even a tie, but from coast to coast, country to country, it’s always going to be beer.
A = 4 pts; C = 3 pts; D = 2 pts; B = 1 pt.
7. MANLIEST TV SHOW
C) The Man Show
Answer: C – This is like who is buried in Grant’s tomb. I mean, it’s called The Man Show, for Christ’s sake (my favorite episode is when Jimmy Kimmel goes to the airport bar dressed in a pilot’s uniform and he’s slamming down Scotches and asking people around him what their flight number is and then telling them that he’s piloting that flight).
C = 4 pts; B = 3 pts; A = 2 pts; D = 1 pt. (That’s right, CSI is lame!)
8. MANLIEST SPORT
Answer: C – A lot of hockey and football players might be in an uproar here (baseball players might squeal like girls), and I don’t want to be anti-American, but rugby players are basically playing Smear the Queer like we all did when we were 12…except they’re men now. They lose teeth and ears and they get drunker than 21 year olds do on their birthdays. They win!
C = 4 pts; B = 3 pts (because they are allowed to fight); D = 2 pts; A) = 1 pt.
9. MANLIEST WOMAN
B) Serena Williams
C) Xena, Warrior Princess
D) Donatella Versace
Answer: D – I can’t tell if this is Donatella or Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister. Either way, ewwww!!!
D = 4 pts; A = 3 pts; C = 2 pts; B = 1 pt.
10. MANLIEST SUPERHERO
B) Dirty Harry
C) The Hulk
D) Jason Bourne
Answer: Do I really need to give the answer here? If you don’t know the answer to this one, please leave my blog right now and never return. I don’t care how strong Superman is. He will never outsmart, outfight or out-tactic Jason Bourne. Bourne would parry Superman’s punch and put him in a reverse half-nelson before stabbing a shard of Kryptonite into his neck. Game over!
D = 100 pts; A = 3 pts; B = 2 pts; C = 1 pt.
Congratulations, you’ve finished The Man Quiz. Now add up your points to see how manly you are.
Just kidding, Sally. If you’re actually adding up your points to this quiz, you failed because it means you have a vagina where your penis should be. Only girls and men with no balls take quizzes and add their points up. That was the real test. Thanks for playing anyway.
Cheers, until next time.