Monthly Archives: September 2012

The 13 Most Common Lies Told in Bars

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A few weeks ago I overheard a guy telling everyone within shouting earshot about his all night slumber party with two heavenly vixens. Unfortunately for him, I play a lot of poker and I immediately spotted his tell. It was a dead giveaway:  he was disgusting. And he had the personality of a retarded goat. The only slumber party this man was capable of hosting involved a bottle of Lubriderm and a box of Kleenex.

Over the years, I’ve noticed that people seem to believe the only way to get others to like them is to manipulate their perception of them.  I can only assume this act of lunacy is caused by the driving force that causes all lunacy:  trying to get laid.  Add a little alcohol to the mix and the lies come pouring out of you like in The Mummy Returns when those flesh-eating bees come streaming out of the mummy’s mouth and eat everyone in sight.  Based on what I’ve witnessed over the years, these are the most common lies I hear told in bars night after night. Use this guide, and BEWARE!

I COULD HAVE GONE PRO – The Liar:  Men

“Yeah, I averaged like 43 points, 19 rebounds and 24 assists per game in high school.  Coach K was begging me to come to Duke, but he wanted me to play the 2 guard and I wanted to play small forward, so I told him to fuck off.”

I’M INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL AND WILL PROVE IT BY TELLING YOU HOW MUCH I MAKE – The Liar:  Men

The best part about this lie is watching men awkwardly try to work it casually into the flow of conversation.  ”Yeah, I like movies too, especially the popcorn, but it’s really expensive, which reminds me:  I pull in about 150 k doing investment banking.”  That’s great.  It will offset his midget-sized penis.

I’M NOT THAT DRUNK – The Liar:  Men and Women

Sure you’re not.  You just ate every olive, cherry and cocktail onion out of the condiment containers and now you’re standing on the dance floor screaming at the jukebox, “Come on, DJ, play Funky Town, bitch!”

I AM (TEN YEARS OLDER THAN WHATEVER I’M TELLING YOU) – The Liar:  Women

The least you women could do is respect us enough to keep the number somewhere within the vicinity of truth. When your mouth tells me 33 but your crows feet are screaming 48, you might as well tell me that you live in Narnia with your sister the White Witch.

I’D LOVE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER – The Liar:  Men

The only things men want to know about you are:  1) are you wearing any panties? 2) If so, what color are your panties?  3) How long before I can get into your (aforementioned color) panties?  And 4) how long before you can put your panties back on and get the fuck out of my house?

I’M REALLY INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU’RE SAYING RIGHT NOW – The Liar:  Men

When men furrow their brows and nod their heads intensely while you’re telling them all about your childhood pony, I know it seems like they’re incredibly sensitive and sincere, but what they’re really doing is playing a multiple-choice game in their head:  A) Furry  B) Landing strip or C) Smooth

I BELIEVE IN EQUALITY FOR WOMEN – The Liar:  Men and Women

Why men don’t really believe in equality for women:  They can’t stand not being #1.  They say they believe in it because it’s politically correct, but deep down every man believes that women are a weaker species that should only be allowed to provide blow jobs and bring them lemonade while they are building a deck in the back yard.

Why women don’t really believe in equality for women:  Oh, they say they do, but they just want to pick and choose the good stuff, like one does at a buffet. “Uuummm, let’s see…I’ll take equal pay at my job and equal status on the corporate ladder, but that whole ‘paying for movies and drinks and dinners’, you guys can keep that, as well as cleaning out the bathtub drains, mowing the lawns, and going downstairs to inspect loud noises that might get you killed.”

I HATE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE – The Liar:  Men

No you don’t.  He’s delightful.  Not to mention fresh and innovative and good looking, and when Sexy Back comes on in the car you know that you shimmy your shoulders to the beat and sing along with it at the top of your lungs. Don’t be ashamed. Them other boys just don’t know how to act.

I WOULD LOVE TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOU TOMORROW – The Liar:  Men

If a man EVER claims to be interested in going with you to the craft fair you are attending the next day, look for the gigantic red flag blowing in the wind.  Men will agree to anything the next day as long as it means going home with you that night. Just don’t be surprised when he suddenly remembers that he’s supposed to go fishing with the boys.

I LOVE SPORTS – The Liar:  Women

Women often use this lie so she can be one of the boys.  ”Oh my god!  I LOVE baseball.  Go Lebron!  Get a touchdown!  WOOOOO!!!”

NAME DROPPING – The Liar:  Men and Women

“Brad Pitt is actually a really nice guy.”  While he may seem nice, watching Brad Pitt get out of a Taxi and wave at the cameras doesn’t really count as “knowing him”.  Especially when you watched it on A Current Affair from your living room. Shut the fuck up!

TOUGH GUY – The Liar:  Men

“That dude is really lucky he left.  I was about to rearrange his face.”

“Really?  I think we can still catch him.  He just left.”

“Uhhh…no, that’s ok…my knuckles just healed from the last guy I destroyed.”

I LOVE SMALL TITS – The Liar:  Men (Duh!)

No really, it’s fine, I’ll just play with your shoulders.  It’ll be great!

Emails From Joan

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YOUR BLOG OFFENDS JESUS!

Though I never intended for it to be this way, apparently my blog is the devil’s playground, where sinners gather and frolic about giddily like Michael Jackson at a Wiggles concert.  Luckily I had Joan C. to inform me of just how horrible of a person I am.  I think the “C” stands for Crusader.

Sent by:  Joan C.

To:  Dave@TheRealBarman.com

On:  9/05/12  9:43 a.m.

Subject:  God is watching you

Your blog is a disgrace to all that is good and holy in the world.  It’s so frustrating to work so hard to spread love and the word of God to people who really need help when there’s Satin worshippers like you are poluting people’s minds with obscenities and immoral thoughts. you should be ashamed of yourself.  God is watching you!

-

Sent by:  Dave@TheRealBarman.com

To:  Joan C.

On:  9/05/12  11:19 a.m.

Subject: Re:  God is watching you

Dear Joan, while I appreciate the work you do spreading the word of God, I’m sorry to say I may be past saving, for I am addicted to Satin and worship it with all my heart.  It’s just so shiny and silky smooth, like at wet baby seal. I love to roll around naked on top of it and feel the cool, frictionless fabric caressing my skin. I imagine it’s what taking a nap in Heaven must feel like.  Because of numerous stains, I was finally forced to wash my Satin sheets last week for the first time since converting, which meant I had to sleep on 100 thread-count cotton sheets, and I now know exactly what Jesus must have experienced while nailed to the cross.  Scratchy.

Nevertheless, I appreciate you looking out for my soul.

Sincerely,

Dave

-

Sent by:  Joan C.

To:  Dave@TheRealBarman.com

On:  9/06/12  8:06 a.m.

Subject:  Re: re:  God is watching you

This is exactly what I am talking about.. Making fun of people for things like spelling. You knew exactly what I meant but you chose to make light of it. Its hurtful and its mean. You are a very misguided indvidual and I feel sorry for you, but its obvious that you don’t want to be helped. God will decide what to do with your soul!!! I will pray for you.

-

Sent by:  Dave@TheRealBarman.com

To:  Joan C.

On:  9/06/12  3:26 p.m.

Subject: Re: re: re:  God is watching you

Dear Joan, thank you for the prayers.  Despite your distaste for me, I respect your religion and understand what it’s like to worship a notorious deity like Jesus.  I once worshipped Justin Bieber until I found out he didn’t write his own songs.  He has since ben ostracized from my life, and I have ripped all his posters down from my wall.

As a show of gratitude, I will pray for you as well, except I will use my Harry Potter Ollivander wand which I received in the mail in exchange for 15 Lucky Charms box tops and a $14.99 shipping and handling fee (it’s the best wand ever made, bar nun…hahaha, get it?).  Also, instead of “prayers” we use “incantations”.  What would you like to wish for?  I’ll practice my Harry Potter Latin this week and see if I can get it to work.  If you do pray for me and talk to God, tell her I would like a new Foreman Grill, as mine is corroded and makes my bacon taste like an old exhaust pipe.  I’ve tried to get one with my wand but Voldemort must be casting a counter spell because it hasn’t appeared yet.

Sincererly,

Dave

-

Sent by:  Joan C.

To:  Dave@TheRealBarman.com

On:  9/08/12  10:35 a.m.

Subject:  Re:  re: re: re:  God is watching you

Do not patronize me.  I know what your doing but it won’t work.  You can’t hide from who you really are.  You are a despicable human being, I know it and more importantly God knows it.  READ THE BIBLE and you will see that people like you will be begging for mercy when Jesus returns and apocalypse is upon us.  By the way, God isn’t santa claus.  You can’t just ask for things like a foreman grill.  And HE isn’t a SHE!!!  It just shows how ignorant you are. Have your fun while it lasts, which won’t be for long. We’ll see how funny you are when your burning in hell!!!

-

Sent by:  Dave@TheRealBarman.com

To:  Joan C.

On:  9/08/12  2:18 p.m.

Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: God is watching you

Dear Joan of Arc, thank you for the book recommendation. Unfortunately fantasy fiction is not really my cup of tea, although I did read a book recently that reminded me a bit of the Bible.  It was called The Rise and Vengeance of Zombie John and it’s about a plumber who gets needlessly betrayed and murdered by his best friends and he comes back to eat their brains.  The only difference is he didn’t rise on Easter Bunny Day and he didn’t have to hunt for eggs like Jesus did.

As far as burning in hell goes, I believe I’ll take a rain check on that one.  However, I do appreciate your tactics on teaching children what hell is like by having them sit through 2 hours of church every Sunday.  This alone should cement their faith in a protagonist Jewish character such as Jesus.

Sincererly,

Dave

-

Sent by:  Joan C.

To:  Dave@TheRealBarman.com

On:  9/09/12  7:25 a.m.

Subject:  Re:  re: re: re: re: re:  God is watching you

Like I said, I will pray for you.

-

Sent by:  Dave@TheRealBarman.com

To:  Joan C.

On:  9/09/1:11 p.m.

Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re:  God is watching you

Expecto Patronum.

Ain’t Karma a Bitch?

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“YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU’RE FUCKING WITH, PRETTY BOY!”
-FAT DRUNK GUY

Last night an absolute PEACH of a gentleman patronized my establishment.  He was a fat red-headed specimen with sweaty armpits who apparently rejected the theory of alcohol poisoning and decided to challenge its existence. I, being of sound and sober mind, ended his little experiment promptly after he loudly informed a woman sipping wine at the bar that he was a motorboat specialist and that he would like to provide her with a proper demonstration.  Apparently he didn’t agree with my decision and responded with this message on his Visa receipt which expressed his great displeasure.

Calm yourselves, little birds. I can hear you squawking angrily and sympathetically for my plight, but this story isn’t over yet. The fat, drunk, red-headed, crude, sweaty man staggered out the door, climbed into his Toyota Tacoma, and instantly crashed it into a telephone pole 200 feet away from the bar, injuring nobody except the pole and his Tacoma.  Police arrived quickly and handcuffed him while he shouted profanities at them and swore a painful vengeance on the entire town.

For those of you who ever doubted the validity Karma, there you go.  Justice is served!

Cheers, until the next time.

The RB

The Booze Braggers

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I can’t tell you how sick I am of hearing people boast over how drunk they got the night before (“Duuuuuuuuuude! I was soooo wasted!!!”). And when I mention the word “boast” you would automatically assume that there would be some sort of accomplishment or feat that had transpired, like, “I totally made out with that hot blonde chick I was talking to,” or “I drank a 12-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and then did 14 back handsprings on the sidewalk.”

But you’d be wrong.  Instead, booze braggers gloat about the simple fact that they drank too much, stayed up until 4:00 a.m., fucked an ugly person before passing out with their shoes on and waking up to remember almost nothing.  I imagine that they expect envy to be exuding from our pores as we listen to them grandstand their godly boozing talents. There’s not, moron.  You suck.

Last night, I actually heard some thirty-something year old man say, “Man, I’m really good at drinking,” which is the same thing as saying, “Man, I’m not really good at anything.”

I’m not sure which is worse, boozy guy, the fact that you drink competitively in the first place or the fact that in order to win you have to puke all over your bed and then sleep in your own vomit. Isn’t that how it works in competitive drinking? The most degenerate, disgusting story wins?

Let me tell you something, if all you talk about is how wasted you got or about how they should legalize pot or how fucking awesome your football team is, then you probably suck at a lot of things because all of your interests involve altering your own personality so that you can get away from yourself, or admiring the actions and skills of others. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with drinking, pot or football…until you start bragging about it.

Not that you couldn’t figure it out on your own, but in case there was ever any doubt, here’s how to spot one of these wonderful booze-breathing individuals.

FIVE WAYS TO SPOT A BOOZE BRAGGER

They are talentless and they are insecure about it.  Booze braggers boast about drinking to divert attention away from the fact that they have no other real talent or personality. In fact, they will boast about sleeping with the most hideous gargoyle in the bar in order to reaffirm how wasted they must have been to have had sex with such a troll, and by admitting to it they disarm any argument you might have to deny the extent of their wastedness.

They keep a drink count.  Throughout the night, booze braggers like to shout out their booze stats to keep those around them updated on just how many drinks they’ve had. “Dude, I’ve had 7 shots of Jack, 3 Long Islands, and 21 beers. And I’m about to order my 22nd.  You might want to write this down.”

They like to high-five.  In fact they’ve been high-fiving since junior high, back when they used to brag about the D-minuses they received on their geometry tests. This is the day they first pretended not to try, because if they don’t try then they can’t fail. Now they’re failing in the bars.  And still high-fiving each other for it.

They belittle those who refuse to keep up.  Booze braggers love to call other guys a fag or a pussy if they refuse to take a shot with them or take longer than 3 minutes to finish a beer. Oh yes, please, Mr. Booze Bragger, I’m begging you, please teach me how to be just like you!

They brag about their hangovers.  If it’s the next day, booze braggers will turn into hangover braggers and blubber on and on about how sick and hungover they are. They will inform you of the greasy, unhealthy meal they are about to indulge in and exactly how they are going to waste the rest of their day. But make no mistake, it isn’t sympathy they’re after.  They are fishing for accolades for the courage they demonstrated by voluntarily polluting themselves. If you don’t give them what they want, they will finish with, “Well, I’m going to go throw up now before I head to Nations. Later.”

We’ve all had our legendary nights of drinking.  I just wasn’t aware that dumping liquid down your throat until it’s time to pee yourself or stick your face in the toilet required an act of skill. Our parents didn’t need to brag about drinking.  They’d consume a fifth of Scotch on the way to drop us off at school and then go home and drink a bottle of wine while they paid the bills or mowed the lawn.  They didn’t feel the need to brag about it.  They just fucking did it!  That’s my advice to you.  That’s what you should get out of this column and the four minutes you spent reading it:  Drink your booze and shut the fuck up!

Cheers, until next time.

The RB