YOUR BLOG OFFENDS JESUS!
Though I never intended for it to be this way, apparently my blog is the devil’s playground, where sinners gather and frolic about giddily like Michael Jackson at a Wiggles concert. Luckily I had Joan C. to inform me of just how horrible of a person I am. I think the “C” stands for Crusader.
Sent by: Joan C.
To: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
On: 9/05/12 9:43 a.m.
Subject: God is watching you
Your blog is a disgrace to all that is good and holy in the world. It’s so frustrating to work so hard to spread love and the word of God to people who really need help when there’s Satin worshippers like you are poluting people’s minds with obscenities and immoral thoughts. you should be ashamed of yourself. God is watching you!
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Sent by: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
To: Joan C.
On: 9/05/12 11:19 a.m.
Subject: Re: God is watching you
Dear Joan, while I appreciate the work you do spreading the word of God, I’m sorry to say I may be past saving, for I am addicted to Satin and worship it with all my heart. It’s just so shiny and silky smooth, like at wet baby seal. I love to roll around naked on top of it and feel the cool, frictionless fabric caressing my skin. I imagine it’s what taking a nap in Heaven must feel like. Because of numerous stains, I was finally forced to wash my Satin sheets last week for the first time since converting, which meant I had to sleep on 100 thread-count cotton sheets, and I now know exactly what Jesus must have experienced while nailed to the cross. Scratchy.
Nevertheless, I appreciate you looking out for my soul.
Sincerely,
Dave
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Sent by: Joan C.
To: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
On: 9/06/12 8:06 a.m.
Subject: Re: re: God is watching you
This is exactly what I am talking about.. Making fun of people for things like spelling. You knew exactly what I meant but you chose to make light of it. Its hurtful and its mean. You are a very misguided indvidual and I feel sorry for you, but its obvious that you don’t want to be helped. God will decide what to do with your soul!!! I will pray for you.
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Sent by: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
To: Joan C.
On: 9/06/12 3:26 p.m.
Subject: Re: re: re: God is watching you
Dear Joan, thank you for the prayers. Despite your distaste for me, I respect your religion and understand what it’s like to worship a notorious deity like Jesus. I once worshipped Justin Bieber until I found out he didn’t write his own songs. He has since ben ostracized from my life, and I have ripped all his posters down from my wall.
As a show of gratitude, I will pray for you as well, except I will use my Harry Potter Ollivander wand which I received in the mail in exchange for 15 Lucky Charms box tops and a $14.99 shipping and handling fee (it’s the best wand ever made, bar nun…hahaha, get it?). Also, instead of “prayers” we use “incantations”. What would you like to wish for? I’ll practice my Harry Potter Latin this week and see if I can get it to work. If you do pray for me and talk to God, tell her I would like a new Foreman Grill, as mine is corroded and makes my bacon taste like an old exhaust pipe. I’ve tried to get one with my wand but Voldemort must be casting a counter spell because it hasn’t appeared yet.
Sincererly,
Dave
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Sent by: Joan C.
To: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
On: 9/08/12 10:35 a.m.
Subject: Re: re: re: re: God is watching you
Do not patronize me. I know what your doing but it won’t work. You can’t hide from who you really are. You are a despicable human being, I know it and more importantly God knows it. READ THE BIBLE and you will see that people like you will be begging for mercy when Jesus returns and apocalypse is upon us. By the way, God isn’t santa claus. You can’t just ask for things like a foreman grill. And HE isn’t a SHE!!! It just shows how ignorant you are. Have your fun while it lasts, which won’t be for long. We’ll see how funny you are when your burning in hell!!!
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Sent by: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
To: Joan C.
On: 9/08/12 2:18 p.m.
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: God is watching you
Dear Joan of Arc, thank you for the book recommendation. Unfortunately fantasy fiction is not really my cup of tea, although I did read a book recently that reminded me a bit of the Bible. It was called The Rise and Vengeance of Zombie John and it’s about a plumber who gets needlessly betrayed and murdered by his best friends and he comes back to eat their brains. The only difference is he didn’t rise on Easter Bunny Day and he didn’t have to hunt for eggs like Jesus did.
As far as burning in hell goes, I believe I’ll take a rain check on that one. However, I do appreciate your tactics on teaching children what hell is like by having them sit through 2 hours of church every Sunday. This alone should cement their faith in a protagonist Jewish character such as Jesus.
Sincererly,
Dave
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Sent by: Joan C.
To: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
On: 9/09/12 7:25 a.m.
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: God is watching you
Like I said, I will pray for you.
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Sent by: Dave@TheRealBarman.com
To: Joan C.
On: 9/09/1:11 p.m.
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: God is watching you
Expecto Patronum.
Beautiful! That made my day. I’m surprised Joan C’s. head didn’t explode. Hahahaha!
Joan, speaking as a Christian who absolutely loves Jesus, and someone also personally acquainted with the author, I’d like to just point out that you shouldn’t be taking any of this so seriously. His sarcastic remarks are merely meant to impune your ridiculous and sensational remarks. Just by emailing him in the way you did isn’t very Christian of you. Remember, it doesn’t matter what you think. Only what God thinks. We’ll all be judged and you’re no better than the rest of us. You’re a sinner as sure as I am. Thank goodness Jesus died for that sin so that you might have the ability to make mistakes like this and yet still receive his grace. In a nutshell, please don’t continue to make other Christians look bad by being a zealout and acting outside our shared faith in such a demonstrative way. It hurts God’s cause when you wag your finger instead of showing love. You don’t bring people to Jesus by judging them. Jesus brings them to God by loving them. Barman, take it easy on her. As my pastor once said, she may be one of those Christians baptized in lemon juice. They believe they have the right intent, but all that seems to come out of them is sour.
I think you and I have the same faith..MY satin sheets needed washing, and I had to use cotton sheets..indeed, it was a life-changing event!
)
Thanks for a good laugh, I needed it today!
Amen, Corina. Long live Satin!!!
Epic, totally epic.
Don’t discourage anyone from voicing their opinions. It provides the world with much entertainment.
Hmmmm…interesting username. I too like taters. I wish I would have thought of that. Maybe I can be “I Heart Taquitos”. Not quite the same though. I guess I’ll keep mine. Thanks for the comment Taters.
The RB
Poor Joan. I feel like she should have known what she was getting herself into.
This is awesome. I so wish people would learn to keep their preaching and moral superiority religious complexes to themselves. They only work if you feel guilty, so I find this whole exchange hilarious.
This is intriguing. Does she spend her days trawling to internet for random blog authors to email? Or did she single you out? I thought it was a robot until she started personally responding.
Classic. I can’t wait wait until this psycho reads my blog! Nice job on fucking around with her.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Perfect!
Extremely funny, I want more posts from you! I only follow 3 blogs and that is because I only found 3 bloggers so far that keep my interest alive with every post, like you do. Greetings from Spain!
Hi Andreea from Spain. Thanks for the support. I’ll keep my eye out for you.
The RB
Well played, my friend, well played.
Ah Muggles or in this case a major crack pot!
Here’s the crazy thing. I know Dave well, and he’s the most moral and one of the most deeply spiritual guys I’ve ever known. He would never hurt anyone. He would never steal from anyone. He would never not tuck his kids in. He’d never cheat on his wife or his taxes or even in poker. If Jesus came back today, Dave would be one of his first BFFs.
Bloody brilliant!!! I laughed so hard I thought I will faint…Thank you for making my day
)…You’re awesome and I love your blog…Keep up the good work 
)
Thank you, Pia for interest and support. Careful though, if Joan reads your comments she may come after you next!!