WELCOME TO FUCK YEAH FRIDAYS!
THIS COULD BE YOU!
If you’re a woman who has stumbled upon this posting, you may want to hit the BACK button and leave right now, otherwise I’m going to receive a flurry of irate emails based on your belief that I speak falsehoods. Which is not NOT false. Also, if you’re a woman looking up “How to get laid”, you are most certainly and definitely an odious troll, because the only effort it takes for a woman to get laid is to walk up to any guy in the bar and ask if he’d like to go home with her and he will immediately start acting like an excited retarded child who needs to be hugged to keep from hurting himself.
There, you’ve been warned.
Here are the facts: Men’s single, isolated, exclusive, absolute, without a doubt, unrivaled reason for going out to a bar is to get laid. And NOTHING ELSE.
Women also go to bars to get laid, but they lie to themselves and say that they are going out to have a good time with their girlfriends or that they want to meet a nice boy to date. Bullshit. You’re going out because you’re a whore, but social scrutiny and personal judgements from the people close to you do not allow you to act in the same way a man does, so you have to pretend you are doing something other than the obvious.
Here are some more facts. Optimistic facts, if you’re a man:
75% of women prefer to have sex after drinking
60% regularly drink alcohol to help them build courage to have sex
45% of women were drunk during their first sexual experience
Hmmm…let’s pretend we’re helping Matlock solve a case and lay the evidence out in front of us so we can all unravel this mind-boggling mystery. I’m going to go with my hunch and say that, based on the stats above, going to a bar, and not the grocery store or gym, will give you the best chance of bedding a woman by the end of the night. Alcohol is the key to unlocking her legs from their prim and proper grip.
Below is your “Getting Laid” stratagem. Even guys whose lives consist of shoveling mac and cheese into their mouths while leaning over their sink can score with these fine pointers. Print it out, take a picture, commit it to memory, eat the evidence, and then execute these genius tactics I am providing for you, free of charge. Good luck, and don’t forget to credit me with your cock-blowing success.
1. Listen - There’s a reason this is listed at #1. It’s a woman’s most needed quality in a man. Even if you don’t give a shit what she’s saying, listen. Don’t just nod your head like a nob either. Make a comment that shows you’re interested. Girls love to be heard.
2. Spend Money – Rarely will women screw a cheapskate. Start plunking your loose change into your piggy bank. Drinks ain’t cheap. And neither are girls.
3. Comment on her attire, not her boobs – If you haven’t learned this one yet, it’s why you’re not getting laid. Women like to be sexy, but they want a gradual approach and appreciate being courted before being ogled.
4. Remember her name – Forgetting her name tells her that you were looking at her boobs when she introduced herself. See above problem.
5. Lie about what you do for a living (if it’s not good already) – If you think cheapness turns a woman off, tell her how you sell washing machines in the appliance department at Sears and watch how fast she scooches to the other side of the room.
6. Make eye contact – Yes, I know this one is hard for most men, but you must hold the eyes steady. Women want a strong, confident man, and looking at your shoes and mumbling something about your pet iguana does not project strong, confident man.
7. Come prepared with some topics to talk about – Seeing as a guy’s primary spoken language is Stammering Idiot, you should do some online research about interesting and current topics going on in the world today.
8. Don’t waste your time if it’s a no-go – This means have your radar on. I can’t believe how many people are oblivious to the responses of those they are talking with. If she’s being courteous but not engaging, tell her it was nice to meet her and move on.
9. Test your approach – Pretend you’re a reporter for Playboy and you need to find out what her turn-ons are. Does she like sweet and nice or do lewd comments make her hot? Once you discover what she likes, turn on the charm…or misbehavior, whichever applies.
10. Fill her with booze -
Women out to get laid need some help. I know you can’t see it, but she is screaming out, “Please get me drunk so I can gather the courage to have sex with you.” Help her out, just not to the point where your entire night is spent holding her hair back while she unloads her stomach into the toilet.
11. Fill yourself with booze – You look like you could use a little backbone yourself, lad. Grab a Long Island and give your courage a shove forward. Just don’t drink so much that your are spitting in her face and slurring old high school football stories.
12. Come to her rescue – Where have all the heroes gone? (Sigh) Anytime you see a guy in 5th gear douchebag mode and you can see her rolling her eyes, head over and ask if you can talk to her for a moment. Pull her aside and then tell her secretly that you are just saving her from the tool blabbing her ear off. She will appreciate it so much she might pull her panties off right there and hand them to you.
13. Work out an after party – If you have a hot tub at your house, you can stop reading this article right now. That should be your only strategy. EVER. Chicks love a hot tub. They are able to hide their shyness and inhibitions under water, but never their horniness. Hot tub water is like a wizard’s giant cauldron of horny potion and since it’s your party, you’re the wizard.
14. Be unique and memorable – Please don’t use the same hackneyed lines and pick-ups (“Could you please tell your boobs to stop looking at my eyes?”). Be a gentleman until it’s time to be a savage.
15. Find a cougar – You could do a lot worse than head out with this game plan in mind. Older women are very vulnerable and needy and looking hard to have their self-esteem boosted. In case you’re a moron, the #1 rule with a cougar is to declare how young she looks and always guess her age 10 years younger than you actually think she is. She will reward her little bunny by picking you up in her jowells and carrying you off to her den.
16. Become friends with the bartender (but don’t abuse this power) – Actually, becoming friends with any and all of the staff makes you look like an insider and lets a girl know that if you have actual friends you must not be that creepy. Just make sure you aren’t shouting out the bartender’s name and demanding drinks like you are the Sultan of Egypt. Big no-no in bartender world.
17. Get a game going and invite girls to join you. Play some liar’s dice or 1-4-24 or some other drinking game. Games invoke the greatest of feelings and laughter and can instantly bond you to a girl with very little effort.
18. Move around – Unless you are with friends, make sure you ciruculate often. Whatever you do, don’t be Creepy Corner Man eyeballing girls like a priest eyeing little boys at a playground. Keep moving.
19. Be elusive, not needy – Even if you strike up a good conversation with a girl, moving around is still a good idea. Tell her you’ll be back and then circulate. Go to the bathroom, order a drink. Talk to some of the boys. This tells her you have other interests than simply stalking her. Girls find elusiveness very attractive.
20. Learn to Dance -
In the minds of women, bad dancers are bad fuckers. If you’re a bad dancer, only go out on the floor if it is packed and you can kind of just bounce off of people while holding your drink. If the dance floor is empty, fake a seizure if you have to. It will be less humiliating.
21. Dress stylish, but not like a douche - Your look should be casual nice, which means you took more time than it takes to grab something out of the dirty clothes hamper but less time than it takes to shop for Affliction and Ed Hardy t-shirts and to get your hair highlighted at the salon.
22. Be in shape - That doesn’t mean you need to be a muscle-bound chode. Fit and toned will do. There is no such thing as chubby, only lazy. If you aren’t in shape, start running fat ass.
23. Have some balls – If you want your balls to be happy later, you’d better come out swinging them now. Like I said, if you need a little help, grab a drink or two, but either way you’re going to have to take some action. Striking out is fine. Sitting in the dugout biting your nails = no boom boom.
24. Find the most wasted girl in the bar - I will take the heat and be called the asshole for this tactic, but you read the survey results above. Women love to have sex while drunk. Well, now she’s drunk and looking to fulfill the second part of the prophecy. It’s not your fault if you happen to be in the right place at the right time.
25. Be funny – This is only a suggestion to those of you who are actually funny. Use it to your advantage. Women really do love a funny guy (as long as that’s not all he’s got). If you’re not funny, be the suave guy or nice guy or bad boy, but don’t try to be funny when you’re not. It’s just sad and embarrassing.
26. Learn how to be confident - Unlike the funny thing, this can actually be learned. As Don Quixote said: “To be a knight, one must act like a knight.” Act like you know what you’re doing and no one will know the difference. If it helps, pretend you’re James Bond or Jason Bourne or whoever gets you jazzed to be the guy who gets things done.
27. Be persistent – Sales 101. You must take rejection in stride, without any hurt feelings. If you spoke with 20 women throughout the night, your chances are 100% better of getting laid than if you sat in the corner and spoke to zero women. How bad do you want it?
28. Have good breath – If you fuck this one up, that just makes me angry. Perhaps you can’t be funny or even that good-looking, but for Christ’s sake, pop a Menthos in your mouth and give yourself a chance.
29. Talk about music – When a good song comes on that you know, talk about it to a girl. Girls love music and they love to dance. Talk about the bands you like (and for the love of God, say you like the bands she likes, even if you don’t). Maybe you can even suggest that you two go to a concert soon.
30. Come up with an interesting story -
Perhaps you are specifically seeking a one night stand and you know that you will never be returning to this watering hole again. Be daring and come up with an intriguing story that will get her all squirmy and flushed. Something along the lines that you work with the secret service and you’re flying out to DC tomorrow because you just got assigned to protect the President.
31. Look for girls who are looking around - These girls might as well be wearing a hat that says, “I am horny and looking for some confident man to come up and make me feel good about myself so that I can take him home and ride him until the sun crests the horizon.” Although that would be a really big hat. The point is, if they are engaged with their friends, you may never get them away. If they are distracted, they are craving some excitement.
32. Get in good with the friends – When men think of cock-blockers, they automatically think of their friends or another guy, but the biggest cock-blockers on the planet are a girl’s friends who will protect her like the government protects plutonium. Make sure you engage them and they will immediately soften.
33. Ask her to go to another bar – Once you’ve created a good rapport, this little tactic will tell you if she’s interested or not. If she says yes, you’re in. If she’s says that she wants to just hang out with her friends, time to move on.
34. Shots = instant aphrodisiac.
35. Drink a man’s drink – Nothing says “I’m a little queer boy” than drinking a Sunkissed Peach Martini. Here’s a quick list of acceptable man drinks: anything with bourbon on the rocks, gin and tonic, vodka and soda, beer, gin martini with olives (no twist). That’s it. Don’t get creative here. Be a man.
36. Talk about her – Most people love to talk about themselves, but no other more than a drunk girl. Limit the things you tell her about yourself. Remain mysterious. Ask her questions and allow her to ramble. The moment you start telling her how you broke the state track record in the 100 M, you will see her eyes glaze over in boredom.
37. Don’t be pushy – Pushy, demanding people are obnoxious and the result is complete and utter turn-off.
38. Smell good, not douchy – Don’t wear cologne, no matter how good you think Axe Body Spray smells. A good-smelling deodorant and nice breath will work just fine.
39. Go with a friend or group of friends – This helps you avoid creepy-guy syndrome, and if there is a group of girls, it helps to have a group of guys so socialize with. The first thing a girl thinks when they see a guy alone in the bar is: That poor loser has no friends.
40. Compliment her hair – Girls spend a lot of hours and money to get their hair to look the way it does. You noticing that effort will move you up a couple of notches on the chances-to-get-laid post.
41. Give her a light touch – Careful here! Your radar must be in perfect working order, but IF you sense things are going well, a light touch on her arm or shoulder can skyrocket the chemistry you two are sharing and cause her to melt.
42. Ignore her – I’m not kidding. This is a powerful technique. Once you strike up a conversation, turn and talk to her friends or your friends for awhile. It will drive her crazy, but more importantly, it makes you look important, like she’s not your top priority. She will fight to be that top priority. Just don’t abuse this tactic or you will go from intriguing to asshole before you know what hit you.
43. Be suave – Pretend like you’ve been here before, like you drive a Aston Martini and are wearing a gun with a shoulder holster. Try it. It works.
44. Come to the bar with an attractive female friend - Women can be insanely jealous, and seeing you with her will make her think, “If he’s with her, there must be something special about him.” Once you are able to inform her that the two of you are just friends, watch her eyes light up in unexpected joy and horniness.
45. Be clever, not corny – Pick and choose your moments to toss in a clever comment. Corny comments make you a dork, clever comments keep them coming back for more.
46. Take the lead - Grab her gently by the wrist and take her to the bar and buy her a drink (or dance floor, if you dare). All the real men seem to have disappeared in the modern world. A take-charge guy will be a refreshing change for her.
47. Stop apologizing for who you are – Passiveness = Pussy, and no girl wants to have sex with a pussy. That’s your job.
48. Weed out the “good girls” – There’s no time for girls who want to have fun when their idea of fun consists of baking, crafting and book club. Find the party girls who are ready to drink and who like to be playfully spanked on occasion.
49. Get her number and send a flirty text - After you get her number, excuse yourself and walk over to the bar and get a drink. While you’re there, text her something simple like, “What are you doing?” or “Do you want a drink?” I personally think this is lame, but 9 times out of 10 she will think it’s cute and charming.
50. Don’t use the word “sex” or “sexy” - Seems counter-intuitive doesn’t it? But studies show that the moment you mention sex or tell her that she is sexy, the woman in question will shut down like a computer with a virus. She wants sex to be implied without you coming out and stating the obvious. I know, women are loco, but they own the pussy, so they make the rules. Deal with it!
Cheers, until next time.
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