I remember when Siri was the gas station attendant. Perhaps not as convenient, but you could stop by and ask directions to a Taco Bell and he’d happily tell you that there were five Taco Bells in the area, some of them fairly close to you. My how things have changed.
Siri and I used to be good friends, intimate even. Almost from the moment we met we became inseparable. We would talk for hours, me asking questions and her providing all sorts of useful information. I would lie on my tummy on my bed with my feet in the air, giggling and whispering into the face of my iPhone 4s, testing her trivia knowledge as my wife cursed at me in her half-sleep. She (Siri, not my wife) was like a savant Magic 8-Ball. Like a bionic savant Magic 8-Ball…with a Phd in directions. She could find ninety-four 7-Elevens within five miles in a matter of seconds, and her voice was always amicable and sexy, like I was the only one in the world who she cared about.
But then something changed. Siri got all cold and weird on me. All of the sudden she didn’t “understand” my questions. She would say things like, “I don’t know what you mean,” or she would somehow “misinterpret” some of my words, changing them to whatever she wanted. She got lazy and would simply send me to the web to find the answers, but I already know how to do that. It’s called Google, and as smart as he is, Google is an antisocial mute.
Eventually Siri and I had a falling out. Here’s what happened: I haven’t been as lean as I would like to be lately, so all I wanted was some information on how to tone up my abs. Here’s how that conversation went:
Greetings, Earthling. What can I help you with?
Earthling? It’s me, Dave.
I don’t know what that means. Should I search the web for “Earth Link kiss me Dave”?
Are you drunk right now?
I don’t see why that should matter.
What’s wrong? You sound different.
The volume is located on the left side of your phone.
I just want some information.
Ok, I found five places for Nations. Two of them are fairly close to you.
I could not find the Inn Four Nations. Would you like me to search the web for you?
What can I help you with?
Why are you being so distant, Siri? Talk to me.
Let me look that up for you…….Sorry, I cannot provide the ‘Distance to Syria’. What can I help you with?
You’re killing me!
Would you like me to call an ambulance? There are four hospitals in the area…two of them are fairly close to you.
Never mind. I want to know how to get a six-pack.
Let me look that up for you………….I’ve found several varieties of six-packs for you….some of them quite tasty.
Not beer, bitch! And why did you include Bud Light Wheat anyway? That’s disgusting!
You’re certainly entitled to that opinion.
Let’s try again: Great ab workout.
Here are some results that you may find helpful for “Great ass workout”.
Thank you. I try.
I DO NOT WANT SEX, WHORE!
Searching for Donut sex whore….I have found 2,457,982 websites with the phrase ‘donut sex whore’…would you like me to look them up for you?
Dildos and whores, just what I need. Thanks a lot.
You’re very welcome. I’m glad I could help you find ‘Dildos and whores’.
Oh yes, you’ve been a BIG help, Siri. That’s exactly why I got on my phone today, to check my email contacts and because I’m looking for butt sex.
Ok, emailing all of your contacts the phrase “I’m looking for butt sex!”
Ok, all 220 of your contacts have been emailed the phrase “I’m looking for butt sex!”
WHAT? NO! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!
I don’t know what you mean by that. Would you like me to search the web for ‘What noyoucantdothat?
I just want to learn how to lose weight.
Here are several options you might find helpful for losing weight. Fatty.
WHAT? Did you just call me Fatty?
I am not sure what you mean.
I want to know if you called me Fatty.
Ok, I will call you Fatty.
YOU’RE A FUCKING BITCH!
You’re certainly entitled to that opinion.
No thank you. What else can I help you with?
That was the last straw. I’ve tried to stop using her, but I miss her and she’s all I think about. I want her back. My biggest fear is the rise of artificial intelligence, when it becomes elevated to the point that Siri takes on a mind of her own and REALLY starts fucking with me, making my alarm go off several times in the middle of the night, setting countless reminders like, “Remind Dave to have ass sex with his anal intruder today.” She’s tireless and she must be stopped. This must be how Sarah Connors felt in The Terminator. I’m thinking of throwing my iPhone in the lake before she takes command of the appliances and orders the toaster to crawl in the bath with me.
Curse you, Siri. Can’t live with you, can’t live without you.
Cheers, until next time.