Welcome to Mega-Suck Mondays, Volume 2: Apparently, My Memory Sucks!
This was on my bathroom mirror when I woke up this morning:
In case you can’t quite read that one part, it says “you have a beautiful mind but it has a piece of shit memory card.” Nice. I suppressed my irritation and immediately began forming an argument in my defense, but then I realized that my inability to recall any of the past incidents my wife was referring to would incriminate me and prove me guilty of being the exact person I was being accused of being, so I decided to swallow my pride and take the 5th.
When I ventured downstairs for breakfast, I was delighted to see that my nine-year old daughter had left me a note before heading off to school, and my mood was instantly elevated. Until I read the note:
So I guess it’s come down to this. I cannot be trusted to perform even simple retrieval tasks anymore, a task performed by dogs around the world.
When your wife AND nine-year-old daughter have to micro-manage you, you know you’re in trouble. I imagine that they have already started planning which retirement home to put me in. I wouldn’t be surprised to come home one day and see them sitting on the couch waiting for me, a collection of brochures fanned out on the coffee table and that sympathetic look you give your dog when it’s time to put him down.
Just to spite both of them, I didn’t go pick up the cake, because fuck that!
Ok, just kidding. I picked it up. I’m crazy but I’m not insane.