-Associative Press, December 28, 2012
In an amazing upset, and after 4,568,345,786 straight weeks atop the AP Evil Poll, Satan has finally been knocked off and lost it’s #1 ranking to the Westboro Baptist Church, who received nearly every vote as the most evil entity in the universe.
For more than a decade now the WBC has made quite the name for itself as an extreme anti-gay organization who pickets funerals in order to receive attention like a two year old. Most recently they attended the funerals of the children who were killed in the tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newton, Connecticut. Five years ago they broke the top ten, and now their most recent act of buffoonery and malevolence has vaulted them to the top of the pack of wickedness.
The Devil, who was visibly upset after losing his top spot on the rankings, commented, “I’m making no excuses. I give them all the credit in the world. They’re a great evil organization and deserve to be #1 after that demonstration. I would never have the balls to do that.”
As it stands, here are the new AP Evil rankings as of this week in December, 2012:
1. Westboro Baptist Church
3. American Oil Companies
5. The Ku Klux Klan*
5. United Airlines*
*Tied for fifth
After word of the demonstration came out, God and all of his constituents could be seen wearing paper bags over their heads with the eyes and mouth cut out, like New Orleans Saints fans from the 70’s.
“We’re embarrassed and ashamed,” stated one bag-wearing member. “Ashamed that these idiots would attach the word “church” to their hate group and think that God would have any part of their beliefs. We’re thinking of castrating the males and stuffing their testicles in their mouths for eternity.”
St. Peter followed up by stating sarcastically, “Sure, that’s the God you’ve read about in the Bible: He creates human beings, loves them unconditionally, then slaughters a school full of children. Actually, as we speak, God is now revising His Constitution of Man. There will now be a condition clause for His love, expressly written for the WBC, and it will state that He loves all of mankind unconditionally, with the exception of the members of the WBC. He hates them with a passion!”
When asked if there was any chance of any Westboro members getting into heaven God fell to the ground and laughed so hard, thunder and earthquakes were felt throughout the planet. It was reported that the laughter lasted for more than six days.
On the other side, when asked what will become of the thick-witted members of the WBC, Satan’s face broke into a serpentine smile, as he drummed his fingers together. “They’re going to pay dearly for taking my #1 spot from me. Everyone already knows they will be living in the basement with me in the afterlife, and when they do, they will spend eternity wearing flamboyant Speedos while singing show tunes with Rip Taylor and Elton John.”
Some have said that stating God is anti-gay is saying that He has no control over the very people He created, therefore mocking God’s ability and all-powerful reputation. Fred Phelps, the slow-witted leader of the morons, has always been known to be a manic homo-phobe ever since a little boy pinned him down in the fourth grade and kissed him on the mouth, causing Phelps to sprout an erection that would not subside for weeks.
Through extensive research and interviews with former girlfriends, it was eventually discovered that Phelps became head of the evil empire to compensate, and perhaps even seek revenge, for his severely small penis. One former girlfriend exclaimed, “When I first touched him down there I thought maybe he was one of those transvestites people because it felt like a vagina. There was nothing there but a big bushy tangle of pubes. It was literally like trying to find a needle in a haystack.”
Another girlfriend stated that once the reputation of his “teensy-weensy toothpick” got around, Fred could not find companionship for the life of him and is now forced to have sex with farm animals. Very small farm animals.
This reporter would like to personally congratulate WBC on its new evil ranking and say that I hope that the soapbox you are preaching from shatters beneath your feet and you fall on top of it, causing a long splinter of wood to thrust most violently through your throat and that you suffer a long, slow, agonizing death before you go down below to join your competitor, Satan, where you will enjoy an eternity of being rammed from behind by 18 inch, non-lubricated, wooden dildos with the bark still on the wood.
God doesn’t hate the world, Westboro. In fact God is almost incapable of hating anything at all. Except for you. He hates you, Westboro, and all of you dirty little Phelps cockroaches. He hates you one million to the infinity power worse than you hate homosexuals. Do us all a favor and crawl back into your urinal and drown in a dark, yellow pee of despair.
Cheers, until next time.