Monthly Archives: January 2013

Conversation I Had With My Wife

Posted on by

images - sync

K:  What were you doing?

Me:  I just sunc my iPhone.

K:  You sunk it?  Like in water?

Me:  No sunc, as in I added new songs.

K:  That would be synched, honey. You mean you synched it.

Me:  I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure sinked is not a word.

K:  Ummm….yes it is.

Me:  You’re talking with an English major here.  Just sayin’, I would probably know.

K:  I know you’re an idiot. Look it up.

Me:  Like in a dictionary?  Those are heavy.

K:  Like on the Internet, genius.

Me:  Let’s just see how it sounds in a sentence first:  ”The boat sinked into the ocean.”

K:  You said you were synching your iPhone, not sinking a boat.

Me:  So?  It’s the same thing, at least grammatically. They’re both past-tense. Listen:  ”He sunk the boat,” and “I sunc my iPhone.”  Steve jobs wouldn’t be that big of an asshole and invent some fucked up word like that.

K:  Steve Jobs didn’t invent the word “Sync”.  It was already a word.

Me:  Really? Before there were Apple products I didn’t think anyone sunc anything.

K:  It’s because they didn’t.  They synched them.

Me:  That’s what I said.

K:  And I know you love Steve Jobs, but he isn’t the king of the universe, just so you know.

Me:  Yeah, but what if Steve Jobs and Jason Bourne had a kid.  HE would definitely be king of the universe. He would invent all sorts of kick ass apps and iOS updates that would bring down the government guys who were chasing him.

K:  I’m going to bed.  You can sleep on the couch.

The Douchebag’s 10-Step Guide to Proper Bar Behavior

Posted on by

images - drunk guy

Sometimes I love my job.  And sometimes I feel like a dirty hooker lying on her back on a urine soaked mattress in a sleazy motel:  I focus on a spot on the wall and allow my mind to drift to a happier place in order to avoid the sweating, grunting clientele who just want what they want without the distraction of human interaction or emotional commitment.

If you ever find yourself in my bar and feel the need to act like one of these douchebags I’m speaking of, follow this simple step-by-step guide to ensure that you and everyone you come in contact with has an awkward, uncomfortable bar experience.

Step 1:  Upon arriving, become annoyed when Dave asks for your ID, as he should know who you are. It is extremely inconvenient to dislodge your license from the little plastic window in your wallet and can only be compared to receiving paper cuts on your eyelids. Dave should know, just by looking at you, that you are 22 years old and more important than God.

Step 2:  If you come alone, pretend to check your phone a lot, as this will make it appear as if you have lots of friends who can’t live without your constant counsel and comment. Every once in awhile, grin or laugh and pretend to text something. In order to make new friends at the bar, yell out, “Let’s do some shots!” to the people next to you, but don’t offer to pay for them. There’s always a chance that there will be a responsible adult in the group who is kind and stupid enough to offer.

Step 3:  If Dave is busy, reach your arm across the people sitting at the bar and snap your fingers at him to demand his attention. Inform him that you’ve been waiting awhile and inquire whether or not you’ll get free drinks for the aggravation you have endured.  If he refuses, leave a 25 cent tip and then tell the people whose backs you’ve been leaning on that the bartenders here sucks. If Dave notices your tip before you have a chance to back away, tell him that you’ll get him next time and let him know that he’s still your boy by making your fingers into a pistol shape and shooting him while making a snickering noise people make with their mouths to get horses to come to them.

Step 4:  To break the ice with girls, talk to them about your fantasy football team and how if Adrian Peterson would have had just 600 more yards and 12 more touchdowns you would have won your league.  If she appears disinterested, call attention to the fact that winning your league would have banked you $150 and as a hypothetical result you would have bought her at least one cocktail and possibly even a beer by now. If that doesn’t work ask her if she has ninjas in her pants, because her ass is kickin’, and then touch her awkwardly on the lower back.

Step 5:  Pretend that everyone you are speaking to has cotton packed into their ears and the only way for them to hear you is to shout super loud right in their ear.  Complain about everything going on in the bar. This will demonstrate to others that you are too good for this place and do not tolerate mediocrity. Tell those around you that the music sucks and that it’s too bright and that there are no bitches here for you to hook up with. Complain about how weak your Jack and Coke is and the next time you order a drink from Dave, order a “Strong Island” and tell him to hook you up. Assume that he is perfectly happy risking his job for you by not charging for the extra alcohol.

Step 6:  While at the urinal, strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. Point out that it’s a sausage-fest at the bar tonight, implying that you are the only person with a penis who should be allowed to congregate here and that the rest of the crowd should be women begging to go home with you. Every few seconds, glance over at your new friend and see what he’s got going on in his urinal, and then give a soft chuckle at what you find.

Step 7:  Once you are sufficiently sloshed, head out to the dance floor and grind up on some hoes. Do lots of raising the roof while making a loud “Woo-woo” sound. Show everyone that you are part-gangsta by screaming out the lyrics to every rap song that is played.  While dancing, experiment with pick-up lines that only sluts would appreciate (“Nice legs, what time do they open?”) so as to weed out the undesirables.  After you finish your vodka Redbull go back to the bar and tell Dave that a busser took your drink and that he needs to make you a new one for free.

Step 8:  When Dave cuts you off for being over-intoxicated, give a look of treacherous disbelief and then become violently angry, as if you have just been accused of raping your own mother. Yell out to everyone in the bar that this place is bullshit and then point at Dave and ask him if he has any idea who he’s fucking with. Make a scene when the bouncers escort you out by thrashing about like a fish on a hook. Once outside, scream at the bouncers for being dicks. Stagger fifty feet down the sidewalk and puke in the bushes.

Step 9:  Get on Facebook the next morning and post something awesome like, “Waz up bitches!!! Yo, got my drink on last night. Girls were grinding all up on my junk!!! Heading to the drug store to replenish my condom supply! Get some Bro!!! Peace out!!!!!!”

Step 10:  Lock yourself in the bathroom and masturbate. Watch Jersey Shore marathon.

Cheers, until next time.

The RB

I’m SO getting one of these for my bedroom.

Posted on by

images - humor bacon

What can’t pigs do?  Not only do they fly when unbelievable shit happens, but if you feed them an apple they turn into meat. Like bacon.  I’d eat bacon if it were stuck on the bottom of someone’s shoe after it had stepped in dog shit.  I once wrapped bacon around my Twinkie and then spent the next four seconds in heaven as I jammed it in my mouth and swallowed it without chewing.  Next time someone calls you a pig, just say thank you.

My 10 Most Amazing Accomplishments in Life Thus Far

Posted on by

images - boy scout

For reasons beyond my comprehension, at least once a week I encounter a patron at my bar who, with great empathy and pity, asks me why I am still bartending at my age.  Because I’m not retarded (for the most part), nor do I have any major disfigurations or facial lacerations to speak of (not even so much as a lazy eye) they expect that someone as healthy-looking and capable as me should by now be making a living in a way that is more, well…dignified, I suppose.

As offensive as this might seem, I get it. Professionals like school teachers and dentists are considered the luminaries of our society in that they provide respectable services for our kids and our community.  On the other hand, the nice man who gets them sloshed when they go out is more like an executioner with that black hood over his head:  he’s not that bright, but he has some good stories to tell because he’s seen a lot, and he provides a necessary service for his betters. Nevertheless, nice man or not, you’d prefer that he didn’t date your daughter.

Believe me, I have spent a good deal of my youth fantasizing about becoming something fantastically eccentric one day, something completely unique from the men I imagined sitting miserably in their crowded cubicles, committed to cold calls and penciling in numbers on gridded paper. It just hasn’t happened yet.

What I really want is a job in which enormous amounts of money flood my bank account on a daily basis without having to do any actual work.  A real turnkey operation, like selling subscriptions to my porn sight on the Internet.  A job I could do on my yacht while entertaining my friends, who would look on with jealous resentment as I answered my cell phone and barked orders at whoever was on the other end: “Well you tell miss goody-two-shoes that if she wants a job with this company that she’d better reconsider doing anal.”

I understand that this type of unambitious dream might give you cause for anger. You would argue against such lethargy because you have the romantic notion that every American should shoulder an equal load for equal pay and that hard work is its own reward.  You’ll say that we should all contribute something worthwhile and useful to society, and that spine-crippling labor is the yardstick that measures and ranks a person’s reputation and moral fiber.

I hear you loud and clear. Hard work certainly can be rewarding. Just not for me. I find it rather burdensome.

Even so, if it makes you feel any better, I am (and have been) amongst the working class for many years now. And yet, for whatever reason, I am grilled on a weekly basis from those who relentlessly inquire what else I want to do with my life. Apparently bartending is not a real career, but more of a hobby or part time distraction, like working at Jamba Juice, which implies that I am, at best, somewhere in the range of two-thirds of a man as opposed to a full time contributing man.

Though I certainly appreciate the foresight and concern from those of you who have pointed out my failings thus far as a serviceable member to our society, I would like to mention that I am not without accomplishments. I even sat down and compiled a list to silence all you naysayers.  It only took me six days to finish.

MY 10 MOST AMAZING ACCOMPLISHMENTS UP TO THIS POINT IN MY LIFE

(in mostly chronological order)

1.  I am born and manage to stay alive, despite my stubbornness to breathe.  It takes three minutes of vigorous swatting on my backside from the doctor to trigger my first gasp of life.  Apparently breathing is more effort than I care to tolerate.

2.  I learn to read at an early age and as I grow up I read almost anything—novels, magazines, newspapers, comic books, the backs of cereal boxes.  Besides basketball, it’s the one credible thing I do up through high school, and because my parents witness me reading, I am able to convince them for two years after I graduate that I am writing a novel.  I stay locked in my room for hours sleeping or listening to Nirvana with my headphones on.  When my mom or dad come knocking on the door I raise my head groggily from the sheets and call out, “Be out in a bit; I’m at a real crucial part here.”

3. I receive a patch for “Whittling” from the Cub Scouts at the age of nine because I can carve a regular stick into a marshmallow stick. I believe this accomplishment speaks for itself.

images - patch

4.  I grow a mustache by the age of thirteen.  It is thin and cheesy, but while wearing it around I feel like I have a leg up on all the other boys in the race for manhood, like smoking must make you feel when you first start.

5.  It turns out I am right about the smoking.  I take it up at fourteen and feel downright invincible.  After school lets out I lean on the giant oak tree just off campus dressed in a tarnished leather jacket and shredded 501’s, a Jimmy Dean replica, only I’m not an irresistible bad boy.  Truth told, I’m so regrettably introverted that I’m only a step removed from invisibility. I am not fully aware of this at the time, though, and as the other students stroll past I pinch and waggle the cigarette between my thumb and index finger while taking an occasional drag and stroking my moustache.  Unfortunately, I quit smoking the next day. The coughing is more commitment than I signed up for.

6.  I give a dollar to a girl from the Salvation Army who is standing outside Safeway at Christmastime ringing that annoying bell.  Even beneath her sweat suit I can tell that her body is lean and compact in the thighs and generous up top where it should be, like one of those silhouettes on the mud flaps of trucks.  This fact doesn’t make my donation any less admirable, I hope you know.

7.  After being grilled by my parents for the gabillionth time about what I think I’d like to do for a career after high school, I foolishly blurt out, “Park Ranger” and before I can say, “Just kidding,” I find myself counseling a bunch of smart-ass sixth graders at a nature-motivated experience called Ecology Camp, where you sleep in cabins, go on nature hikes and basically spend a week gathering bugs and leaves and falling backwards into each others arms to spread glorious feelings of trust.  This isn’t the accomplishment, though.  During the first day’s hike I fake an ankle sprain and spend the week sleeping in the cabin and ordering the boys around to wait on me hand and foot.  I am a male Cleopatra.  As a precaution, I warn the boys that if they squeal to anyone about my little secret that I will tell every girl in camp that we are having all night gay orgies.  Extortion is such an ancient, forgotten art of persuasion.

8.  Lying in bed one night I have a revelation:  I realize I can name all 172 episodes of The Duke’s of Hazard, The Six-Million Dollar Man and MacGyver.  I understand that this should be a depressing, possibly suicidal moment, but I am giddy with my talent to recall.  If I should ever get a call from Jeopardy and one of the categories happens to be “Shows Only Seven Year Olds Watched Thirty Years Ago”, you may as well step down. Game over.

9.  One night I sit down to play some online poker for an hour or so but instead I somehow stumble across a site called partybingo.com and spend the next 27 straight hours playing bingo online. When my girlfriend comes out of my bedroom to ask me what I’ve been doing all night, I panic and cover up the screen and tell her I’m looking at S & M porn sites.

10.  I memorize the lyrics to Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” the first day I buy the tape, though I have to admit it takes me nearly two years to learn that Jeremy commits suicide at the end of the song.  Upon digesting this information, I find myself looking over my shoulder everywhere I go, as if I have discovered some cosmic wisdom that only I and a handful of other secret agent Pearl Jam fans know about.  This, I realize, is silly and cannot really be considered an accomplishment.  Still, because of the song’s intensely profound message and the fact that, of all the songs on the tape, I intuitively chose that one in particular to memorize, I feel that the coincidence cannot be overlooked.

There you have it, my accomplishments, which, looking back now, don’t seem as impressive as they did when I thought them up in my head. In fact, I’m rather depressed now.  For argument’s sake, and so I don’t have to read a bunch of emails from people judging my life’s work, let’s just go ahead and declare right now that I’m more like half a human being than two-thirds of one.  I don’t want to generate any unwarranted expectations concerning my true value.  The last thing I need is for someone to come into my bar and point out the precise fraction of a man they think I am.

Cheers, until next time.  I’m going to play bingo.

The RB

10 Rules of Etiquette for the Clueless Man

Posted on by

images - pants

A week ago one of my readers emailed me a question about bar etiquette, which I answered in a most knowledgeable and proficient manner, as I have been in this profession for quite some time.  This got me to thinking about common day to day rules of etiquette and courtesies in general, which upon deeper analyzation I realized that I am not proficient at in any way whatsoever, and never have been.  I’m talking about the simple trivialities that we all agree should be obeyed lest we be judged by our peers. I am an admitted minimalist, so to tell me that I can’t use the soap or the towels hanging in the bathroom because they are decorative causes someone with my stunted pedigree to stand there and blink stupidly.

Growing up, I was never one to devote much time to social graces, but in my defense I was raised in a hickish town where people possessed a fanatical adoration for camouflage caps and vests and mounting mule deer heads over the garage.  The notion of being fancy where I grew up meant that you agreed to wear jeans without holes in the knees when attending a prom, and/or possibly opening your date’s can of Schlitz for her before the drive-in movie started.

My lack of refinement caused a great clash when I met my wife in college.  Born and raised in Walnut Creek, she was far more savvy in the ways of decorum than I, which was only natural considering the cosmopolitan surroundings she was brought up in.  It’s not that I was a mannerless brute without decency, it’s just that certain rules of etiquette were, to me, silly and superfluous.  Can you really enjoy BBQ chicken without licking your fingers clean?  There is nothing sadder to me than wiping them off on a napkin and watching all that good sauce go to waste (I see the same looks on my guests’ faces when I pour the wrong mixer in a cocktail and dump it down the sink:  longing and regret at such senselessness).

And yet despite my obtuseness, I have always fantasized since I was a boy about being a distinguished secret agent like James Bond, the kind that continually adjusts his cufflinks and raises a demure finger to servants who rush to provide me with whatever I desire without ever having to provide verbal direction.  I often imagined people talking about me as a mysterious guest who had arrived at their dinner party:

“Who is that distinguished looking gentleman? The one drinking Louis XIII and speaking with the Duchess?”

“Oh, you mean Mr. Allred.  The international debutant.”

I do not share such fantasies with my wife, as the very notion that I would ever be viewed as “smooth” would cause her to fall to the floor in a ball of hilarity, laughing and choking on her own hysterics until her spleen exploded.

It was plain from the very beginning when I met my wife at Chico State that she wasn’t going to tolerate my social impairments for long.  Seeing as we were still in the fragile stages of getting to know each other, she was sensitive enough not to come right out and state what was so obviously out of place to her.  Instead she would drop passive-aggressive hints in hopes that she would eventually mold me into the man she had always dreamed of marrying one day.  On the way to a movie she’d say something like, “I love how you can just wear anything and not care what people think.”

Looking down at my faded pink t-shirt and purple cut-off sweats, I couldn’t have been more confused.  My philosophy on being cool was to avoid looking like you were trying to be cool, which is to say my style at the time could best be described as a sort of grungy aloofness.  It had taken me years to perfect this style of genius, and now I was being subtly ridiculed for it. Nevertheless, I patiently suppressed my damaged ego and went to change into something less relaxed, as my newly acquired girlfriend was absolutely gorgeous and I really wanted to get into her pants.

As time moved on, my wife continued to try and mold me, but eventually she realized that molding a country boy in the ways of proper civility is about as easy as shaping a shard of glass with your hands. And it wasn’t just a “which-fork-do-I-use” thing either. It was more of a human relationship thing.  Whereas most people instinctively knew to leave the toilet seat down, I had to be educated on this bit of folklore.

“Why do I have to put it down,” I asked one day, early in our relationship.  ”Why don’t you put it back up for me?”

“Because I’m the one who gets up to pee in the middle of the night and practically falls in the toilet trying to sit down on the rim of the bowl which is drenched in your pee because you can’t fucking aim.  That’s why!”

Ok, she had me there. Still, I was resistant.

“It’s because I have a penis, isn’t it?”

“What’s because you have a penis?”

“That you think I do everything wrong.”

“Yes, I’m quite sure of it.  Most every thoughtless act derives from the penis.”

Even so, when I tried to blame future blunders on my penis, she failed to acknowledge us as separate entities.

For the rest of you who also have a penis and who are as clueless as me when it comes to proper social customs, allow me to share with you what I’ve learned, at least as I understand it.  Perhaps I can save you some pain and discomfort early on in your relationships.

1.  You can never have too many decorative pillows on the bed or sofas (side note: it’s a sofa, not a couch), as if the number of pillows directly reflects your level of success.  I imagine couples leaving our house after dinner parties:  ”Did you see how many throw pillows they had?  I didn’t know bartenders did that well.”

2.  When in-laws visit, it is not ok to disappear upstairs and watch re-runs of The Andy Griffith Show for three hours.  Or so I am told.

3.  Clothes must be segregated into different colors before you wash them. This is not only tedious, but it borders on discrimination. I’m still fighting the injustice of this chore today.

4.  When having guests over for dinner, it’s not ok to simply put the condiments on the table in the form of jars and bottles.  Apparently you must use nice little porcelain bowls. And real silverware, not plastic, as if we were royalty.

5.  You must clean the house before the maid comes over….to clean the house.

6.  Never invite people over to your house without first consulting your wife, even after she tells them, “You guys should come over soon.”  As it has been explained to me, what one says and what one means are not always congruent nor consistent with each other, and therefore you must first check with your wife to sort out which is which.

7.  It is absolutely prohibited to sit in your underwear and play poker at www.partycasino.com while your mother-in-law is visiting (you’ll sadly discover that there are many things you cannot do when in-laws are around).

8.  Learn how to fix things around the house or your manhood will be questioned on a weekly basis. My basic skills are bartending, telling stupid stories and watching tv, none of which turn my wife on.  If only building a fence were directly related to one’s knowledge of Seinfeld episodes, our house would have beautifully surrounding boundaries and I would SO get laid all the time. (Bonus advice:  though you might think so, relying on duct tape or staple guns as your indisputable resolution for anything that is broken or maimed is not as good of an idea as you might think, so if I were you I’d tread carefully with this line of strategy).

9.  Staying in hotel on vacation is really just like being at home in that you will still get yelled at for leaving your underwear and clothes strewn about. You might as well send me to balloon camp with a  5-inch needle and tell me I can’t pop anything.

10.  Learn what RSVP means.  And then tell me, because I still don’t know. My wife often tells me that we must RSVP to parties and weddings by a certain date, and I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to not know what those letters mean. I could look it up on Google, but for now, a certain element of mystery keeps things exciting and unpredictable for me.

In some ways I am still quite obstinate when it comes to following customs which I view to be quite ridiculous.  To this day I refuse to wear a tie and no manner of cajoling or persuasion from my wife or anyone else will steer me otherwise.  I’m not sure how it ever came to be that a piece of cloth dangling from one’s neck became the social barometer that measures cultural refinement and sophistication.  It could just as easily be agreed upon that hanging it out the back of one’s pants like a motley tail is the reflection of civility.

To this day I am still learning what it takes to step outside my cave and live a life of cultivation, or at least compliance. There are things I will never understand, nor do I care to understand them.

What it really comes down to is that I love my wife to no end, and if she tells me that we must place doilies on every door and wall in the house, I will run and grab my duct tape and simply ask her where and how many.

Cheers, until next time.

The RB