The 19 Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Heard People Say in My Bar

The 19 Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Heard People Say in My Bar

Over the past several months, I’ve been paying attention and writing down things I’ve overheard people say because they’re either wasted or just plain stupid. It’s difficult to discern in a bar. I was going to keep adding to my list the stupid things people say, but I’ve become obsessed listening to conversations, so for the sake of my own sanity, I’ve decided that I’m done. I will say that during this time I felt like a scientist living with gorillas and gathering valuable research…except this is far more important, because who gives a shit about gorillas? 1. One guy to another:  “Man, if I was good-looking I’d be getting laid all the time.”   2. Some bimbo with a group of her friends:  “It’s just the way cats are, they get spooked easily.  It’s human nature.”   3. A guy arguing with his friends why USC lost to Stanford:  “The biggest factor in the game was the amount of points scored.”   4. Some guy bragging about how...
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The Secret to Cost Control That Nobody is Practicing

The Secret to Cost Control That Nobody is Practicing

If you’ve been in this industry for any amount of time, you have at least been exposed to an insane way of thinking that doesn’t exist in any other work force I’ve ever come across. This way of thinking has become so engrained over the years into the minds of owners and managers that it’s difficult for me to penetrate the brainwashing that has taken place and change their way of thinking for the betterment of their establishment. The mindset I’m talking about from the owners goes a little something like this: “I need to give away free drinks because that’s what bars have been doing for hundreds of years.” The mindset of the bartenders is: “I need to give away free drinks so I can get bigger tips and buy shiny things.” The mindset of owners about bartenders is: “Oh well, what’re you gonna do?” Wake up, stupid! This is a mindset built for destruction. Bars have a unique opportunity to make HUGE profits...
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The 10 Best Bar Promotions Ever

[cs_content][cs_section parallax="false" separator_top_type="none" separator_top_height="50px" separator_top_angle_point="50" separator_bottom_type="none" separator_bottom_height="50px" separator_bottom_angle_point="50" style="margin: 0px;padding: 45px 0px 20px;"][cs_row inner_container="true" marginless_columns="false" style="margin: 0px auto;padding: 0px;"][cs_column fade="false" fade_animation="in" fade_animation_offset="45px" fade_duration="750" type="1/1" style="padding: 0px;"][cs_text]Since writing this post over a year ago, I have had multiple requests for more bar promotions, so I finally got off my perfectly sculptured ass and complied. I spent time speaking with 12 of my bar owner friends and asked them the best bar promotions they ever ran, and I then I wrote an e-book called The BIG Black Book of Bar Promotions, which has 51 of the highest profit, crowd-gathering promotions in existence. So, feel free to check out the original 10 best bar promotions below, but if you find that you simply MUST have more, you can go ahead and download The BIG Black Book of Bar Promotions at the bottom of this post for FREE and I will email it to you immediately. Now let's quickly discuss the reason you're here, which is how absolutely essential it...
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Duane the Mixologist

Duane the Mixologist

Hello, my name is Duane. I am a mixologist.  If you do not believe me, just ask anyone at the bar and they will tell you that I am a mixologist.   If you need a cocktail, please do not call out, “Hey bartender,” because I will not respond, as I am not a bartender.  Please call me Duane, or Master Mixologist and I will be happy to serve you (sometimes when I’m feeling fun, I tell people that my name is Sir Mix-alot or Dr. Mixy and I get a fun reaction to my clever banter).   Some people think it is fun to go out and have drinks at a bar, but as a master mixologist, I have discovered a way to make it an agonizingly slow and painful experience. I used to work with Dave, but I do not like him very much because he would call me Sewage Duane and also sing that Prince song, except he changed it to Purple Duane which would make people...
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Sandi’s 7-Step Guide to Becoming a Great Server

Sandi’s 7-Step Guide to Becoming a Great Server

As a recent graduate of Bowman’s Academy of Acting in the top 87% of my class, I decided to get a temporary job as a server with Dave at his dumb bar, but I am only working here until my talent agent gets me an audition to be the newest sister on the Kardashians. Due to my hotness and razor sharp brain, I am definitely probably the best server you’ll ever meet.  Just last week I brought extra napkins to a table who had ordered buffalo wings without them even asking and one of the guys told me, “Thanks, Sandi, you are awesome,” which I totally am. Another reason I am such a good server is that I wear an apron with a dozen ballpoint pens lined up in the pockets and I can also hold up to two orders in my head at one time without writing them down. My hobbies include: sleeping til noon, tanning, sweatpants, and sleeping with boys to...
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Why Bartending Schools Don’t Work

Why Bartending Schools Don’t Work

In case you’re as dim as a 10-watt bulb, you are quite alert to the fact that I am anti-bartending school. I’ve been bartending and bar managing for 15 years now and I can’t quite describe my level of agitation when I see all the articles on the Internet that advise people to sign up for them. I kid you not, it peeves me beyond belief. It’s like going to grocery clerk school so you can get a job at Safeway. Sounds ridiculous, but it’s not that far from the truth. They memorize a boatload of fruit and vegetable codes, work in a computer system, deal with customers and they have to be fast or the line backs up. So why aren’t there schools for them? (Hmmm…new idea alert…) The reason is because being a bartender is a coveted and sought after position and schools were created by those who saw a chance to earn a buck. Nothing wrong with that. These are...
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Look Ma, I’m in Cosmo

Look Ma, I’m in Cosmo

It’s true, apparently I’ve made it big time. No, I’m not one of the hot dudes with his shirt off giving smoky looks of lust. In fact, there is no picture of me at all (at least not yet), only my name.  One of the writers from Cosmopolitan Magazine reads my blog and she was doing a story on date rape drugs so she called me up to ask if I’d had any experiences with them. I have. Two times. The article only touches on the two incidences briefly, but the one where the guy who gives me $30 to put a roofie in a girl’s drink, so I took his $30 and had my security guy throw him on to a fire hydrant out front. Yep, that’s me.  Cosmo even highlighted the part that features me because they must have felt it was the most important part of the article. I swear I had nothing to do with that.  Nope. Once you’ve finished...
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The Douchebag’s 10-Step Guide for Proper Bar Behavior

The Douchebag’s 10-Step Guide for Proper Bar Behavior

Sometimes I love my job.  And sometimes I feel like a dirty hooker lying on her back on a urine soaked mattress in a sleazy motel:  I focus on a spot on the wall and allow my mind to drift to a happier place in order to avoid the sweating, grunting clientele who just want what they want without the distraction of human interaction or emotional commitment. If you ever find yourself in my bar and feel the need to act like one of these douchebags I’m speaking of, follow this simple step-by-step guide to ensure that you and everyone you come in contact with has an awkward, uncomfortable bar experience.   Step 1:  Upon arriving, become annoyed when Dave asks for your ID, as he should know who you are. It is extremely inconvenient to dislodge your license from the little plastic window in your wallet and can only be compared to receiving paper cuts on your eyelids. Dave should know, just by looking at...
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Bar Etiquette: How to Keep the Bartender Happy

Bar Etiquette: How to Keep the Bartender Happy

Occupational hazards are a way of life no matter your profession:  doctors are required to be in the presence of the sick and dying, construction workers are on the constant lookout for falling cinderblocks, Alaskan king crab fisherman must avoid being washed overboard by a giant swell.  Sure, bartenders do not walk the same perilous lines as those people, and in fact you might call our cross to bear something closer to “occupational burdens” than hazards, but let’s not split hairs.  In the service industry our burdens come in the form of recurring gripers and complainers and downright assholes.  If the food isn’t undercooked then the music is too loud or too soft, or the drinks are not strong enough, it’s too cold, it’s too bright, the people are ugly, and on and on and on. I once worked with another bartender who preached that nobody should be able to eat out in a restaurant until he/she worked in one for...
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