The 19 Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Heard People Say in My Bar

Over the past several months, I’ve been paying attention and writing down things I’ve overheard people say because they’re either wasted or just plain stupid. It’s difficult to discern in a bar.

I was going to keep adding to my list the stupid things people say, but I’ve become obsessed listening to conversations, so for the sake of my own sanity, I’ve decided that I’m done.

I will say that during this time I felt like a scientist living with gorillas and gathering valuable research…except this is far more important, because who gives a shit about gorillas?

1. One guy to another:  “Man, if I was good-looking I’d be getting laid all the time.”

 

2. Some bimbo with a group of her friends:  “It’s just the way cats are, they get spooked easily.  It’s human nature.”

 

3. A guy arguing with his friends why USC lost to Stanford:  “The biggest factor in the game was the amount of points scored.”

 

4. Some guy bragging about how ambitious he is:  I get up at 5 o’clock every morning, regardless of what time it is.

 

5. Two businessmen having a post-workday cocktail:  “I’m going to finish that goddamn report on time, no matter how long it takes.”

 

6. A guy watching Monday Night Football with his buddies:  “Man, if Cleveland is going to win the game they need to score.”

 

7. A guy talking about some recent success he had:  “After that, things just really started to snowplow.”

 

8. Two ladies sitting at the bar:  “Whatever happens tomorrow will happen to me, no matter what happens.”

 

9. Two guys talking about their college years:  “I had no problem with speech class. I’ve always been good about talking and stuff.”

 

10. Couple arguing at the bar:  

Wife:  “All I know is you work 10 hours a day, go to a bar with your friends 10 hours a day and then spend another 10 hours doing god knows what.”

11. Same couple:  

Guy:  “I know communication is a big problem, but I’m not going to discuss it with you right now.”

 

12. Two guys:

Guy #1:  “What did you do on Saturday?”

Guy #2:  “I went to a funeral.”

Guy #1: “Oh yeah? Did someone die?”

 

13. Two business guys talking about god-knows-what: “Specifically, what are the unknown factors?”

 

14. Two guys discussing lawn furniture: “You should see it. It’s beautiful. It’s made out of this big wooden piece of wood.”

 

15. At an airport bar, waiting to board a plane, this recording was playing on the loudspeaker: “Please keep a watchful eye on your luggage at all times, and avoid transporting any items without your knowledge.”

 

16. From one of the ladies in a group:  “It was dark as far as the eye could see.”

 

17. Three business guys having lunch:  

Guy #1: “What do the buyers need in order to qualify?”

Guy #2:  “They need to meet the qualifications.”

 

18. Three girls talking:

Girl #1:  “We’re going to this free concert on Friday at the Pavilion.”

Girl #2: “Cool, can we come?”

Girl #1:  “I think it’s sold out.”

 

19. One guy talking to another guy about his daughter’s soccer tryout:

“They won’t decide if she’s made the team until they’ve made a decision.”

Cheers, until next time.

The RB

The Secret to Cost Control That Nobody is Practicing

Liquor Cost Control

If you’ve been in this industry for any amount of time, you have at least been exposed to an insane way of thinking that doesn’t exist in any other work force I’ve ever come across. This way of thinking has become so engrained over the years into the minds of owners and managers that it’s difficult for me to penetrate the brainwashing that has taken place and change their way of thinking for the betterment of their establishment.

The mindset I’m talking about from the owners goes a little something like this: “I need to give away free drinks because that’s what bars have been doing for hundreds of years.”

The mindset of the bartenders is: “I need to give away free drinks so I can get bigger tips and buy shiny things.”

The mindset of owners about bartenders is: “Oh well, what’re you gonna do?”

Wake up, stupid! This is a mindset built for destruction. Bars have a unique opportunity to make HUGE profits because of the margins on alcohol, but instead they allow this outdated culture of charity to pull them down and be included in the nation-wide stat that says 85% of businesses fail within the first five years. People think bars are making a killing, but I’m here to tell you it just ain’t true. But I’m also here to tell you, there’s a better way.

The biggest problem is, owners and managers ALLOW it to happen. They know it’s happening, but fear keeps them from doing anything about it. They fear that if they don’t give away something for free that their regulars won’t come back. They fear competing with the bar down the street who is giving everything away for free. Worse yet, they fear confronting their staff about stealing. Yeah, it’s stealing. Don’t sugar coat it. This mindset is killing the bar business.

I remember walking into a very popular Greek bar and restaurant in San Francisco to talk to the General Manager about using my inventory services to monitor the bartenders in order to control costs. I knew that the bartenders were pouring way too heavy and were giving away enough drinks to supply a frat party. What the GM told me nearly made me shit right in my pants. She said, “Well, I don’t think your system would go over well here. The bartenders have been here for a long time and they wouldn’t like it if we brought in a system that monitored them. I don’t want to rock the boat or they might leave.”

shock face2

What the fuck did she just say to me?  I must have stared at her for a good 10 seconds, mouth hanging open, probably to the point of awkward discomfort because I’m sure the look on my face was one of disbelief, as if she had just lifted up her dress to reveal a penis.

Let me see if I have this straight. The bartenders wouldn’t like it if you told them that they were no longer allowed to be criminals and rob the place blind?

No, I guess they wouldn’t like that. That is quite the inconvenience. No wonder they had been there for so many years. They were siphoning the owner’s profits directly into their bank accounts, and this bimbo was too afraid to confront them to do anything about it. What a worthless set of standards she had set for this place. What was she even being paid for?

Let’s move on or I will start to hyperventilate if I relive that story any longer.

Controlling costs goes beyond ordering the right amount of product, creating cost-effective recipes and evaluating variances on spreadsheets. Don’t get me wrong, these are all important steps that managers need to put into practice, but these actions are mindless business operations that don’t work if there is no accountability or follow-up or discussion.

Cost control is a mindset. It is a culture of accountability that needs to be instilled into every staff member. Cost control should be a mission statement that tells everyone working at your bar/restaurant: “It is not ok to give away our products without the absolute consent of the owner or manager.”  This message needs to be stated and repeated until everyone is retrained and brainwashed into a new way of thinking.

Do you think they allow Nordstrom employees to hand out suits whenever they feel like it so that business people will come back and shop there instead of going to Macy’s? Hell no. Nordstrom’s has this revolutionary concept called Customer Service, and they do it so well that people come back regardless of price.

This is not an article about customer service, but this concept of mindset and culture does not end with cost control. In fact it doesn’t even begin with cost control. It begins with taking care of the people who come in. They are priority #1. The point is, your job is to create an entire new culture in your bar that states EXACTLY what the standards are, and then you need systems and tools in place to MONITOR and ENFORCE those standards, or you are just a bag of hot air preaching bullshit that you never follow through with.

It’s ok to go against the grain. Be a rebel, a thought leader, a visionary. Perhaps your place already has some cost controls and standards in place, but expand your thinking. Take it to a level that nobody is taking it. Call a staff meeting and lead them, inspire them. Have your culture trickle down through every vein of the system you have in place, especially when it comes to the experiences your guests will have.

Don’t sit back and let industry standards and your employees dictate the level of success you have for your business. Take control, and as someone wise I know once said, “Don’t be a little bitch!”

Cheers, until next time.

Dave, The RB

1 The 10 Best Bar Promotions Ever

Since writing this post over a year ago, I have had multiple requests for more bar promotions, so I finally got off my perfectly sculptured ass and complied.

I spent time speaking with 12 of my bar owner friends and asked them the best bar promotions they ever ran, and I then I wrote an e-book called The BIG Black Book of Bar Promotions, which has 51 of the highest profit, crowd-gathering promotions in existence.

So, feel free to check out the original 10 best bar promotions below, but if you find that you simply MUST have more, you can go ahead and download The BIG Black Book of Bar Promotions at the bottom of this post for FREE and I will email it to you immediately.

Now let’s quickly discuss the reason you’re here, which is how absolutely essential it is to not only get new people into your bar/restaurant, but to get them to come back again.

​If you haven’t heard of The Rule of Three in the bar/restaurant business, I’m going to give it to you right now, and I’d suggest you put your A.D.D in a headlock and pay attention because this rule is more necessary than cheese is to nachos.

I learned this rule from Jon Taffer, and whether you think he’s over-dramatic or not on television, the guy knows his shit inside and out, so make sure to take note:

THE RULE OF THREE

  1. The first time someone visits your bar, there is less than a 50% chance they will return.
  1. The second time they visit, they now have a 50% chance of coming back.
  1. The third time they visit, there’s a 70 percent chance they will come back a fourth time.

And one final Taffer statistic to seal your commitment to filling your bar:

Increasing guest frequency by just one visit per month increases your revenue by up to 12 percent.

12 PERCENT!

Those are some serious and exciting stats, folks. Simply knowing this frequency pattern motivates the hell out of me to hustle like a gangster and drive people into my bar.

But remember: these 51 Bar Promotions will certainly get them into your place AT LEAST once, but then you have to make sure they have a great experience so they want to come back again and again, and of course…again.

You can use multiple promotions to attract new customers and get the first and second timers to come back, but if your staff isn’t providing fanatical customer service, your promotions will fall flat because the rule of three will never occur.

That’s all for now. Thanks for being here. Enter your name and email at the bottom of the page to download the free e-book The BIG Black Book of Bar Promotions and watch new guests come stampeding through your doors like a rabbit running from a greyhound.

In the meantime, you can go ahead and dip your toesies into the promotional waters with my original 10 Best Bar Promotions (+1 Bonus Promotion).

Cheers,

Dave

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

June 15, 2015 Post:

There are no two ways about it, the competition to gain customers and get them to give up their hard earned money is fierce among bars and restaurants. If you aren’t creative and think up ways to pull them in, you might as well pack your shit and close up shop because your job as a bar/restaurant owner is to provide an experience that exceeds your guests expectations, and if their experience at your bar involves watching a Tuesday night tennis match on the tv while the bar across the street is rocking Tuesday night blues (cue crickets here), pour yourself a beer to cry in because you won’t have guests for long.

With that said, customer service is still top dog in keeping your guests coming back for more, but here are the top bar promotions that I’ve seen work in multiple bars over several years. In other words, they are tried and true and will turn people’s attention your way like sharks to blood.

1. CUSTOMIZED ENGRAVED MUGS
This one takes some involvement on your part, but it is as badass as it gets when it comes to bar promotions. I’m talking a Viking-like kind of bad-ass-ness, which is exactly what you’ll feel like when you hoist your personalized copper or tin mug to the sky to toast your comrades while discussing village pillaging and horned helmets. I’ve seen this work best for a draft beer club, but you can use it in anyway you want.

Basically after a regular drinks 100 draft beers (or whatever you decide) they get their name engraved on the mug and they leave it at the bar. Every time they come in, you pull their mug off the shelf and fill it up with their favorite frothy draft or grog or whatever else makes them feel manly. This promotion creates a deep customer loyalty unlike any other bar promotion I’ve seen, similar to frequent flier miles for an airline.

2. HOST A WEEKLY OR MONTHLY TOURNAMENT
This is best to do during the beginning or middle of the week to draw people in. It could be anything that appeals to the competitive: darts, poker, pool, corn hole, beer pong. As long as you have an organized, energetic person running it, tournament night can turn huge.

3. FLIP-OFF MONDAYS (OR WHATEVER DAY YOU CHOOSE)
This is for the laziest bar owner in the world who’s idea of promotion is to stand on the sidewalk out front and yell, “Hey! Come here!”   This promotion requires you acquiring a coin of some sort and getting the word out.

That’s it, but people love it. When guests first come in, you flip a coin for them which they call in the air. If they’re right, their first drink is $0.25, if not, full price. So simple a bear on a unicycle could run it.

4. BARTENDING CLASSES
In case you haven’t noticed, commoners secretly fantasize about being a bartender, even if only for a weekend. Like going to rock ‘n roll fantasy camp. Of course you’ll need to have someone on staff capable of delivering dynamic lessons and who actually knows what he/she is doing, so hopefully your bartenders aren’t nitwits, but like the engraved mugs, this particular promotion is a differentiator that people won’t forget, not to mention all the people they will mention it to.

5. TRIVIA OR KARAOKE NIGHT
Sure, it’s cliché, but then again so is denim and look how long that’s been around. This falls under the category of “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”

6. AMAZING RACE
Putting on an Amazing Race can be a colossal task, but the rewards are worth it because the word of mouth lasts for months after, which means your bar is on the tongue and lips of local yokels for a long time to come.

The best way to go about putting on such a race is to scour the internet for competition ideas and then set up a small race in your area. A good thing to do is work with other bars and set up some of the competitions in their bar. This creates good camaraderie with your fellow bar owners, and your guests will love it too. The only problem you’ll have is the former competitors will keep asking you when the next one is.

7. GIANT GAMES
For whatever reason, the novelty of gigantic chess pieces, Jenga blocks and Connect Four pieces gets people more excited than birders spotting a red-breasted, web-footed merganser.

8. SEX NIGHT
It sounds better than it is, but there’s no reason why it can’t turn into what you’re imagining after you leave the bar. It’s best if you have a sex cocktail list made up with all the drink specials printed on there: Blow Job shots, Screaming Orgasm, Sex on the Beach, Panty-droppers, etc.

The subliminal power of the cocktail list alone will save you the pain of embarrassing yourself with horrible pick-up lines, if you’re into that sort of thing.

9. INDUSTRY NIGHT
In general, bartenders love industry night because it means people who work in the bar and restaurant industry in the area will come in and get discounts on drinks, and tip gargantuan amounts of money because it is one of their own. The main criteria for this is to get a paycheck stub and ID for anyone you don’t know so it proves that they indeed do work in the industry.

10. SPORTS POOLS
Whether you love them or hate them, sports make the world go around when it comes to leisure time activities, and if you want to take advantage of that all you have to do is gasoline that fire by doing some football squares, March Madness Pools, etc, etc, etc.

Better yet, if you can pencil in the time, run a fantasy football league and give discounts to those who are in the league when they come in to watch the games.

11. (BONUS) ANIMAL RACES
Animal races are frickin’ awesome, assuming of course no animals are harmed during the production of the promotion. You can use anything, from hermit crabs to turtles to (my personal favorite) goldfish.

Just make sure that you give the animals a good home during the days they aren’t competing and that you don’t invite any PETA members because they will go all Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction on you (except they won’t boil your bunny of course).

Best of luck.

Cheers, until next time.

The RB[

Don’t Forget Your 51 Bar Promotions.

Just Enter Your Name and Email and I Will Send it Immediately.

Duane the Mixologist

Hello, my name is Duane. I am a mixologist.  If you do not believe me, just ask anyone at the bar and they will tell you that I am a mixologist.

 

If you need a cocktail, please do not call out, “Hey bartender,” because I will not respond, as I am not a bartender.  Please call me Duane, or Master Mixologist and I will be happy to serve you (sometimes when I’m feeling fun, I tell people that my name is Sir Mix-alot or Dr. Mixy and I get a fun reaction to my clever banter).

 

Some people think it is fun to go out and have drinks at a bar, but as a master mixologist, I have discovered a way to make it an agonizingly slow and painful experience.

I used to work with Dave, but I do not like him very much because he would call me Sewage Duane and also sing that Prince song, except he changed it to Purple Duane which would make people laugh really hard, more likely because Dave can’t sing.

In case you are ignorant, mixology is the process of making drinks exactly the same way a bartender does, only taking much more time to do it.

 

In actuality, it more difficult than Navy Seal training and consists of putting ice in a glass and pouring alcohol over it.  Everyone agrees with me that if there was such a thing as a double masters PhD in Mixology, I would most likely probably own a degree in it right now.

 

Here are some rules to follow about mixology if you are not as great as me and don’t know anything at all about mixology-ism.

 

1. Before making a drink, cause overwhelming regret to the people who ordered it by spending at least 8 minutes talking about why mixology is the most important thing in the world.

 

2. Tell the other bartenders what they are doing wrong every time they make a cocktail, as they are super appreciative of being educated on their wrongness.

 

3. Bring your own Boston Shaker and Hawthorne strainer to work in a case you purchased from BevMo.

 

4. Wear an awesome apron to hold your tools in. It’s the equivalent to having a black belt in Karate, which is probably most likely why the other bartenders don’t wear one.

 

5. Always carry a lemon zesterin your pocket or apron, even when you are not working, and don’t forget to show everyone in your apartment building your lemon zester because then they will know you are a mixologist.

 

6. No matter what topic a guest brings up, steer the conversation towards things that you like and any problems you are experiencing with girls in your life at that moment.

 

7. Let everyone know that you are a mixologist by telling them over and over that you are a mixologist,and then show them your lemon zester.

 

8. Say things like “tinctures” and “flavor profiles” and explain why egg whites are God’s gift to mixologists everywhere.

 

9. Pull out your 15 mixology toolslike they do in movies when they unwrap deadly tools to torture people with, and then describe in great detail their many purposes to guests until they express their desire to wrap their lips around a tailpipe to end their excruciating boredom.

 

One final thing you should know about us mixologists is that we don’t “make drinks”.  Instead we “craft cocktails”.

 

I am writing a book about this very thing and I’m calling it Krafting Kocktails With Duane.  “Crafting” and “cocktails” both start with a “C” but I am using “K’s” because I am super “Kreative”.  Haha, see what I mean?

 

My mom has already told me that she will buy three copies of my book when it comes out.  I have been working on my book for three years now and it already has 31 pages and has much better writing than you will ever read on Dave’s blog.

When I’m a best-selling mixologist author I will come order a drink from Dave at his bar and not tip him because he never learned the great art of Mixology.

Sincerely yours forever,

Duane The Mixologist, a.k.a. Sir Mix-a-Lot (Haha)

Sandi’s 7-Step Guide to Becoming a Great Server

As a recent graduate of Bowman’s Academy of Acting in the top 87% of my class, I decided to get a temporary job as a server with Dave at his dumb bar, but I am only working here until my talent agent gets me an audition to be the newest sister on the Kardashians.

Due to my hotness and razor sharp brain, I am definitely probably the best server you’ll ever meet.  Just last week I brought extra napkins to a table who had ordered buffalo wings without them even asking and one of the guys told me, “Thanks, Sandi, you are awesome,” which I totally am.

Another reason I am such a good server is that I wear an apron with a dozen ballpoint pens lined up in the pockets and I can also hold up to two orders in my head at one time without writing them down.

My hobbies include: sleeping til noon, tanning, sweatpants, and sleeping with boys to try and get them to love me.

My manager, Frank, tells me I have really good ideas, and he’s not just saying that so he can get in my pants.

I recently had an idea that definitely should be made a law:  I think when patrons come in to eat, they should tell me how much they are going to tip, then I will give them service that reflects their tipping percentage.

I call it “Reverse tipping communication ideology”.  If that sounds like a good idea to you, it’s because it is.

If you want to be an elite server like me, then you should listen to me because I can tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and how you can be more like me.  Dave asked me to come on his stupid blog and give my 7-Step Guide to becoming a great server like me.

I asked him to pay me for my geniusness but he said no because he’s a cheap asshole.

Step 1:  Complain to everyone working that night that you are “in the weeds” and when the hostess triple-seats you, go yell at her and tell her that she will never become a server because she is a dumb slut.  Or if it’s really slow, complain to everyone working that night that you aren’t making any money and that they should give you their tables because you are prettier than them.  Either way, whether it’s busy or slow, you will be able to practice complaining a lot.

Step 2:  If you are one of these people, don’t ever come sit in my section:  1) People from countries that don’t tip, like Spain or Paris.  2) People with kids.  3) Anyone who isn’t rich and white.  4)  People who order a side of ranch with everything.  5) People who want refills.  If you want all this stuff, you should have stayed home and got it yourself.

Step 3:  Talk to your table a lot about your life and what you are doing and why it’s important and how you had to take your cat to the vet because she got a tick on her neck.

If they start to talk about their lives, quickly excuse yourself and say that you have to refill waters at another tables, but don’t actually do it.  Instead go in the back and complain to the other servers that table 9 is full of pompous assholes who think they are better than you.

Step 4:  Don’t ever be friends with a girl named Michelle Rykers. She will screw your boyfriend and the only way to get back at her is to use her toothbrush to clean the toilet. Or sleep with her dad, which was really gross.

Step 5:  During one of your 12 smoke breaks, be really nice to people to their face and then when they walk away, talk about how fat and fake they are to another server. Sincerity is the first step to becoming a great server, even though I listed it as step 5.

Step 6:  Constantly ask the bartender what garnish goes on your drinks. They love to be involved in the process of helping you with stuff you should have learned in training but forget all the time.

Also, tell him to hook you up with some free drinks, and if he doesn’t go tell all the female servers that he has really bad breath.  And syphilis.

Step 7:  Don’t ever sleep with the manager because as soon as you do he’ll pretend he’s not interested any more and he won’t call you back no matter how much you text him or drop by his apartment and knock on his door, and then he’ll change the schedule so you aren’t working the same shifts as him.

If I could give one piece of advice to people who want to become a server, it would be to understand that what I think and feel is the most important thing on this planet.  And ranch dressing sucks!

Dave tells me that these steps don’t really tell people how to become a server, and that they aren’t really steps at all but more like aimless bitching and rambling, but he never gives me free shots when I ask for them, so I hope he dies of thirst in the desert.

Why Bartending Schools Don’t Work

bartending schools

In case you’re as dim as a 10-watt bulb, you are quite alert to the fact that I am anti-bartending school. I’ve been bartending and bar managing for 15 years now and I can’t quite describe my level of agitation when I see all the articles on the Internet that advise people to sign up for them.

I kid you not, it peeves me beyond belief. It’s like going to grocery clerk school so you can get a job at Safeway.

Sounds ridiculous, but it’s not that far from the truth. They memorize a boatload of fruit and vegetable codes, work in a computer system, deal with customers and they have to be fast or the line backs up. So why aren’t there schools for them? (Hmmm…new idea alert…)

The reason is because being a bartender is a coveted and sought after position and schools were created by those who saw a chance to earn a buck. Nothing wrong with that. These are not evil people I’m talking about. They really do show you how to pour liquid into a shot glass and muddle limes and mint, but you can do that at home. All that’s going to happen is you will lose your money and get your hopes up. There are better ways. Let me tell you why bartending schoolsdon’t work:

1. For $500-$1,000 they teach you what you can learn from a book for $9.99.It’s like going to summer camp and learning basket weaving: it might be fun, but it won’t help you make money.

2. Most bartending schools don’t use real products or make real drinks. That’s right, they use foam fruit for garnishes and colored water to practice pouring. The problem with this is one of the best teaching tools to have students learn how to make great drinks is to have bartenders taste their own creations to see if they came out right. The point is to learn how to craft a great cocktail. Good luck learning how to make lemon twists or what a cosmo tastes like with fake products.

3. They don’t always teach proper technique or provide correct knowledge. I witnessed a trainer show the bartending students how to shake the hell out of a Manhattan. Contrary to popular belief, not all cocktails are made the James Bond way. Manhattans andother classic cocktails with no mixers should be stirred.

4. They teach outdated techniques and recipes. Enough said.

5. Most do not properly teach (or teach at all) how to use a POS system, which most bars use these days to ring up drinks and food.

6. They give you the impression that the “license” or “training certificate” they give you at the end of the course has some sort of validity or influence in the bartending world. It doesn’t. Give me $1,000 and I’ll happily print you a participation certificate that says you completed my course.

7. They are considered a joke among bartenders, managers and owners. This alone should keep you away. The second a manager sees “Bartending School” on your resume, he will start giggling like a small girl before he crumples it up and plays garbage can basketball with it.

8. Bartending schools can’t (and won’t) get you a job. I laugh every time I see a school offer “Job Placement Assistance”. Their idea of job placement assistance is to hand you your meaningless certificate, guide you towards the door and tell you to turn in your resume to bars in the area. Gee, thanks. What a revolutionary idea for getting a job. Glad I paid you $1,000 for that bit of advice.

If you want to learn more about how to become a bartender and how I help my students achieve this goal in 21 days or less (Guaranteed), CLICK HERE.

Cheers, until next time.

TheRealBarman

Look Ma, I’m in Cosmo

It’s true, apparently I’ve made it big time. No, I’m not one of the hot dudes with his shirt off giving smoky looks of lust.

In fact, there is no picture of me at all (at least not yet), only my name.  One of the writers from Cosmopolitan Magazine reads my blog and she was doing a story on date rape drugs so she called me up to ask if I’d had any experiences with them. I have. Two times.

The article only touches on the two incidences briefly, but the one where the guy who gives me $30 to put a roofie in a girl’s drink, so I took his $30 and had my security guy throw him on to a fire hydrant out front.

Page 178, for you Cosmo enthusiasts

Yep, that’s me.  Cosmo even highlighted the part that features me because they must have felt it was the most important part of the article. I swear I had nothing to do with that.  Nope.

Once you’ve finished reading my inspiring, unforgettable quotes, there’s an excellent article in the back on giving the proper handjob. Up and down, ladies, it’s not a bottle cap.  No twisting.

Cheers, until next time.

The RB

The Douchebag’s 10-Step Guide for Proper Bar Behavior

Sometimes I love my job.  And sometimes I feel like a dirty hooker lying on her back on a urine soaked mattress in a sleazy motel:  I focus on a spot on the wall and allow my mind to drift to a happier place in order to avoid the sweating, grunting clientele who just want what they want without the distraction of human interaction or emotional commitment.

If you ever find yourself in my bar and feel the need to act like one of these douchebags I’m speaking of, follow this simple step-by-step guide to ensure that you and everyone you come in contact with has an awkward, uncomfortable bar experience.

 

Step 1:  Upon arriving, become annoyed when Dave asks for your ID, as he should know who you are. It is extremely inconvenient to dislodge your license from the little plastic window in your wallet and can only be compared to receiving paper cuts on your eyelids. Dave should know, just by looking at you, that you are 22 years old and more important than God.

 

Step 2:  If you come alone, pretend to check your phone a lot, as this will make it appear as if you have lots of friends who can’t live without your constant counsel and comment. Every once in awhile, grin or laugh and pretend to text something.

 

To make new friends at the bar, yell out, “Let’s do some shots, whoooooooooo!” to the people next to you, but don’t offer to pay for them. There’s always a chance that there will be a responsible adult in the group who is kind and stupid enough to offer.

 

Step 3:  If Dave is busy, reach your arm across the people sitting at the bar and snap your fingers at him to demand his attention. Inform him that you’ve been waiting awhile and inquire whether or not you’ll get free drinks for the aggravation you have endured.  

 

If he refuses, leave a 25 cent tip and then tell the people whose backs you’ve been leaning on that the bartenders here suck. If Dave notices your tip before you have a chance to back away, tell him that you’ll get him next time and let him know that he’s still your boy by shaping your fingers into a pistol and shooting him while making that snickering noise people do with their mouths to get horses to come to them.

 

Step 4:  To break the ice with girls, talk to them about your fantasy football team and how if Adrian Peterson would have had just 600 more yards and 12 more touchdowns you would have won your league.  I

 

f she appears disinterested, call attention to the potential benefits she might have enjoyed considering the fact that winning your league would have banked you $150 and as a hypothetical result you would have bought her at least one cocktail and possibly even a beer by now.

 

If that doesn’t work ask her if she has ninjas in her pants, because her ass is kickin’, and then touch her awkwardly on the lower back.

 

Step 5:  Pretend that everyone you are speaking to has cotton packed into their ears and the only way for them to hear you is to scream four inches from the side of their face.  Complain about everything going on in the bar.

 

This will demonstrate to others that you are too good for this place and do not tolerate mediocrity. Tell those around you that the music sucks and that it’s too bright and that there are no bitches here for you to hook up with.

 

Complain about how weak your Jack and Coke is and the next time you order a drink from Dave, order a “Strong Island” and tell him to hook a brotha’ up. Assume that he is perfectly happy risking his job for you by not charging for the extra alcohol.

 

Step 6:  While at the urinal, strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. Point out that it’s a sausage-fest at the bar tonight, implying that you are the only person with a penis who should be allowed to congregate here and that the rest of the crowd should be women begging to go home with you.

 

Every few seconds, glance over at your new friend and see what he’s got going on in his urinal, and then insinuate your superior size by giving a soft chuckle at what you find.

 

Step 7:  Once you are sufficiently sloshed, head out to the dance floor and grind up on some hoes. Make certain to raise the roof while making a loud “Woo-woo” sound. Exhibit your gangsta side by bobbing your head and your pretend glock to the beat while shouting the lyrics to every rap song that is played.  While dancing, experiment with pick-up lines that only sluts would appreciate (“Nice legs, what time do they open?”) so as to weed out the prudes and undesirables.  

 

After you finish your vodka Redbull go back to the bar and tell Dave that a busser took your drink and that he needs to make you a new one for free.

 

Step 8:  When Dave cuts you off for being over-intoxicated, give a look of treacherous disbelief and then become violently angry, as if you have just been accused of raping your own mother.

 

Yell out to everyone in the bar that this place is bullshit and then point at Dave and ask him if he has any idea who he’s fucking with. Make a scene when the bouncers escort you out by thrashing about like a fish on a hook. Once outside, scream at the bouncers for being dicks. Stagger fifty feet down the sidewalk and puke in the bushes.

 

Step 9:  Get on Facebook the next morning and post something awesome like, “Waz up bitches!!! Yo, got my drink on last night. Girls were grinding all up on my junk!!! Heading to the drug store to replenish my condom supply, if you know what I mean! Haha!! Get some Bro!!! Peace out!!!!!!”

 

Step 10:  Lock yourself in the bathroom and masturbate. Watch Jersey Shore marathon.

 

Cheers, until next time.

The RB

1 Bar Etiquette: How to Keep the Bartender Happy

Occupational hazards are a way of life no matter your profession:  doctors are required to be in the presence of the sick and dying, construction workers are on the constant lookout for falling cinderblocks, Alaskan king crab fisherman must avoid being washed overboard by a giant swell. 

Sure, bartenders do not walk the same perilous lines as those people, and in fact you might call our cross to bear something closer to “occupational burdens” than hazards, but let’s not split hairs.  In the service industry our burdens come in the form of recurring gripers and complainers and downright assholes. 

If the food isn’t undercooked then the music is too loud or too soft, or the drinks are not strong enough, it’s too cold, it’s too bright, the people are ugly, and on and on and on.

I once worked with another bartender who preached that nobody should be able to eat out in a restaurant until he/she worked in one for at least 6 months.  This comes straight from the “walk a mile in my shoes” ideology. 

Imagine the compassion we would have for others if only we worked their job for awhile. I know a few teachers who would love to trade places with the psycho parents they deal with on a day to day basis. 

With that said, I have never been a teacher and can only vouch for the bartenders of the world, so let’s call them unwritten rules, call it common courtesy, call it what you want, but here’s a list of bar etiquette for you and your friends to learn before you attend another drinking establishment that will make your bartender happy and hopefully get you good service:

On Getting my Attention:  First and foremost, I am not a dog and I’m not a five year old interrupting you while you’re talking on the phone.  Do not snap at me.  This little attention-getter is second only to throwing things at me, which will get you tossed out on your ear.

 

On Cheapness:  If you order a vodka cranberry and leave me a quarter, don’t act all befuddled when my eyes glaze over the next time you are trying to get my attention or when your next drink turns out to be cranberry juice with a splash of vodka.  

I’m sorry our society has created this bizarre culture in which you tip people for pouring liquid into a glass, but they did, so if you want good service and a decent drink, abide by it.  If not, enjoy your cranberry juice.

 

On the Strength of Your Drink:  You would not go to a pizza place and ask them to bring out another half pizza for free because the one you ordered wasn’t “strong enough”.  Do not order a drink and tell me to “make it a good one” or say “I can’t even taste the alcohol”. 

This is not a garage sale, you cannot negotiate the amount of liquor for the price.  I know how much liquor goes in a drink.  If you want me to make it a good one, order a double.  And if you can’t taste the alcohol, you’re either an alcoholic or you don’t tip well enough.

On Being Prepared to Order:  Here’s an oldie but goody.  I am whipping out drinks left and right, and while doing so I can see you out of the corner of my eye down at the other end of the bar waving and jumping up and down like a chimpanzee on hot asphalt. 

 

I feel bad that no one has attended to you yet, so I hustle down to the other end and when I get there and ask you what you want, you turn around and ask your six friends, “What are you drinking?”  They all look around and say, “Ummm, I don’t know, what are you having?”  

Sorry, but I’m gone.  I don’t have time to wait around while your friends all ask each other what the other is drinking.  If you’re going to wave me down, you’d better be prepared for a rapid-fire order.

On Starting a Tab:    When you order a Budweiser and give me a credit card and ask me to close it out, I assume you’re done for the evening.  Do not come back five more times and order one drink and close it out.  Start a tab.  Be assured, I do not want to steal your credit card. You will get it back.

On Being a Girl:  I don’t intend to offend, but seriously, girls, what the fuck?  Why can’t you just buy your friend a drink?  Friday night, 11:00 p.m. and a group of you walks up to the bar, orders four cosmos and hands me four separate credit cards. 

This takes time to close out credit cards separately.  Then, ten minutes later you are all back again.  Four drinks, four credit cards, and everyone’s wondering what’s taking so long to get a drink.  Guys buy rounds of drinks for their buddies.  Why can’t you?

On Being my Best Friend:  Just because you know me does not mean we are friends.  Do not abuse your familiarity with me by pretending we shared a prison cell together so you can get a drink faster and impress all your friends because you know the bartender.  I have lots of friends, but they don’t yell at me when they want a drink.

On Free Drinks:  I don’t care if it’s your birthday, I don’t care if you’re gorgeous, I don’t care if your dog just died.  Don’t ask me for a free drink.  It’s tacky and rude to assume that you are important enough that I will risk my job so you can have something for free. 

If you need some money to go out with, ask daddy for a raise in your allowance.  It’s not like I come to your place of work and ask for a free root canal.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’re all lovely, wonderful people, but really the only bond you and I share is the drink sitting on the bar between us. 

So let’s make an arrangement:  you express the type of cocktails that appeal to you, whether you like them sweet or sour or somewhere in between, and I, the craftsman, will concoct some sort of medley based on that information. 

I will also provide some conversation and entertainment, perhaps lend an ear, and you go ahead and kill your brain cells and either become a happy-go-lucky drunk or a belligerent, unruly mess.  I will egg you on if you’re happy and subdue you if you’re not.  Your job is to be relatively civilized and respectful, and if you can do that, you just might end up with a nice strong drink.

Cheers, until next time.

The RB

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