Category Archives for "Bartending Days"

Hook Me Up, Mr. Bartender

bartending

The following discussion is an exchange I had with a guest years ago as a bartender. I have revived this conversation for anyone who is still not quite sure how capitalism or the transaction of money works in bars, as well as for anyone who likes the band Nickelback, as I assume you have some sort of learning disability.

In order to fully understand the situation, we must have a set of ground rules. Here is a reminder of what bars are not: Bars are not yard sales. Bars are not auctions where you can raise up a little numbered sign on a stick to bid for drinks. Bars are not J.C. Penny’s or Target that have year-end clearance sales. Despite what the dishonest bartenders of the world might lead you to believe, drinks are non-negotiable, at least not in places that are trying to earn a profit.

I want you to fully understand the situation because I know I can sound like a dick sometimes, but if you had any idea how tiresome it is to have people ask to be hooked up or to make their drink strong, you’d sympathize with my sarcastic exchange.

This particular conversation involved a 22-year old cool guy with the tan, dark skin of a lacquered coffee table. Apparently his goal was to show off his negotiating skills to the two girls he walked in with, and I’ll readily admit that I don’t think I did my part in helping him get laid that night, but when you walk out of the house wearing a V-neck t-shirt with the V dipping low enough to reveal your man cleavage and a fedora on your head like Tom Landry of the Dallas Cowboys used to wear, I’m sorry to say you’ve wandered into your own quicksand. A merciless, douche-swallowing, no-sex-for-you quicksand.

JANUARY 2010

Cool Guy:  What’s up, Boss? Do you have any specials tonight?

Me:  You bet, the sea bass is excellent.

Cool Guy:  No, to drink.

Me:  Sure, how about a Blackberry Caipirinha with fresh blackberries, muddled limes and Leblon Cachaca.

Cool Guy:  How much is that?

Me:  Ten bucks.

Cool Guy:  No, I wanted a special, dog.

Me:  How can you possibly get more special than a Blackberry Caipirinha?

Cool Guy:  By not selling them for ten bucks.  I’m asking if you have any deals.  I’m a really good tipper. Can you hook me up?

Me:  Well, disregarding the fact that you left me fifty cents for the three Jack and Cokes you ordered the last time you were here, I would be delighted to “hook you up” based on fabricated promises of future and possibly gargantuan tips you may or may not leave on the bar in the form of nickels and dimes.

Cool Guy:  What are you talking about?  That wasn’t me.  I used to bartend, bro.

Me:  You did?  Why didn’t you say so in the first place? You must know the secret handshake, then. If you know the secret bartender handshake I can give you free drinks all night.

Cool Guy:  Very funny.  Come on, you gotta have something.  Two for one on beers maybe?

Me:  Ohhhhh, I get it.  You believe you’ve stumbled upon a yard sale, where you can bargain for used items, like old books and shabby knick-knacks.

Cool Guy:  (Laughing) Exactly.  Help me out, brotha.

Me:  Well, there’s this half of a Coors Light left in the bottle that this guy didn’t drink.  You can have the rest of it for $2.

Cool Guy:  Ha, ha (sarcastic).  You’re hilarious.

Me:  Fine, $1.75, but that’s as low as I go.

Cool Guy:  You don’t have to be a dick head. I just thought we could help each other out, you know?

Me: Absolutely! I love helping people. What can I help you with?

Cool Guy:  (Rolling eyes) I’ll have a Jack and Coke, but make the Coke light, if you know what I mean.

Me:  Got it.  One Jack and Diet Coke coming up.

Cool Guy:  No, not light like that.  I mean make it strong.

Me:  Gotcha, you want to order a double. That’ll be $14.

Cool Guy:  NO! I mean, make it strong but I don’t want to pay for a double. Jesus!

Me:  Pardon my ignorance.  NOW I understand.  You want me to steal liquor from the owners of this place and move it at a cheaper price so that you can save some money and I can risk losing my job and sacrifice my integrity.

Cool Guy:  Give me a break.  Bartenders do it all the time.

Me:  I see.  So you’re suggesting that I should become a conformist?

Cool Guy:  A what?

Me:  Have you ever heard of Hitler’s army?

Cool Guy:  I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.  I’m just sayin’, you know how it works.  You hook me up, I hook you up.

Me:  That sounds like quite a visionary system you’ve invented, and despite the life-changing possibilities that your fifty cents could provide for me and my family, for the time being I’m going to have to regretfully decline restructuring the fixed price arrangements that have been established here.

Cool Guy:  Forget it.  We’ll go to another bar.

Me:  Lucky them.

Cool Guy: Unbelievable!

Me: (To the back of his head as he walks out): Come back next weekend for our Marin Luther King extravaganza.  Buy 3 Jack & Cokes and get fifty cents off a Blackberry Caipirinha.

Cool Guy:  Blow me!

15 10 Greatest TV and Movie Bartenders of All Time

Someone emailed me the other day and asked me who I thought the greatest Hollywood bartender of all time was, and seeing as I have chosen to unearth and report all things bar-related in the industry (and perhaps occasionally outside the industry), I decided to do better than simply name the single greatest silver screen bartender, and rank, categorize and index the greatest ten.

 

What I found disappointed the shit out of me.  Of the ten listed, only two of them show any evidence of ever getting laid.  These are bartenders, for Christ’s sake!

 

Even so, after 18 hours of deliberation and shaking my head in disgust, here is my list for greatest television and movie bartenders of all time.  At the end, I would love to hear your opinions, but please don’t tell me that Jackie Gleason or the guy from A Wonderful Life belong on this list or I will have to bang my head on my keyboard for the next six hours.  Those characters only had sex to procreate and I’m not having it.  Here’s how I see it:

 

#10  Danny Trejo as Razor Charlie  in From Dusk Till Dawn

Danny Trejo

Not a big role, but anytime a bartender turns into a vampire, you have to put him in the top ten list or he might climb through my window at 4:00 a.m. and t-bone my neck.  Trejo was also the bartender in one of my other favorites, Anchorman, which must also be mentioned simply because it’s one of  my favorite scenes in the movie:

 

Trejo: “You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now. And you’re gonna have to learn how to deal with that.”

Ron: “What? Were you saying something? Look, I don’t speak Spanish.”

 

#9  Joe Turkel as Lloyd in The Shining

Creepy Lloyd

I gotta be honest, if I was forced to choose who to go one-on-one with in a dark closet, I’d take on Razor Charlie the vampire any day before I mess with Lloyd.

 

He is flat out SHUDDERSOME!  That deadpan face and his calm, polite replies are dead giveaways to a dark satanic power you don’t want to fuck with.

 

There’s something about calm people that scare the shit out of me, because it always seems like they know something that I don’t, something dreadfully bad that has to do with me.  There’s little doubt in my mind that Lloyd could reach over the bar and separate your chest plate to extract your heart anytime he wants to  (shiver).

 

#8  Frank Santorelli as Georgie the Bartender in The Sopranos

Georgie

Georgie is the mafia’s personal bartender at the Bada Bing and could be the older brother of Lenny from Of Mice and Men.  Though not quite as dimwitted, Georgie is amiable and harmless but the mis-timed comments that come out of his mouth are a trigger for Tony to beat the tar out of him with nearby objects:  phones, ice trays, cash registers, chains, you name it.

 

Georgie is a pee-on and doesn’t really represent us very well as bartenders, but he is on one of the most popular series of all time, so he makes the list.

 

#7  Cheech Marin as the Short Bartender in Desperado

The Short Bartender

This is one of my favorite bartender scenes ever and my second favorite role by Cheech since he and Chong did Things are Tough All Over.  Cheech and Steve Buscemi get involved in a conversation that includes an entertaining, if not drawn out joke, from Buscemi as well as his witnessing the Mariachi’s murderous rampage at a previous bar.

 

Cheech, who at first regards Buscemi’s character with the same respect as a cockroach, suddenly gets very interested.

Bartender:  “So the bartender lived? (laughing) The bartender never gets killed.”

Buscemi:  No, man.  Bartender got it worse than anybody.

No amount of weed could save the short bartender, and he soon suffers the same fate.

 

#6  Ted Lange as Isaac Washington on The Love Boat

 

Isaac basically makes the rest of us bartenders look like a bunch of pricks. He smiles enough to make you think that he’s winning an Oscar every second of his life.  If he were a dog, he’d be a labrador, jumping on your lap and licking your face.

 

You might call him cheesy, but this extremely benevolent bartender from The Love Boat whipped up Pina Coladas and Mai Tais while solving all of the passengers’ problems in a single hour.  Though we know that Isaac isn’t one of the two bartenders on the list getting laid, when you think of great television bartenders, you gotta think of Isaac.

 

Matt Damon as Jason Bourne in The Bourne Identity

Kick-ass Assassin

Yeah, shut up, I know he’s not a bartender, but he’s Jason Bourne!  He gets to be on any top 10 list he wants.

 

#5 Tom Cruise as Brian Flanagan in Cocktail

Brian Flanagan

I know, he’s a turd, and though many think that Tom Cruise and rabies are kin, Cocktail did for flare bartending what Rounders did for Texas Hold ’em.

 

In the movie Brian Flanagan drops out of college to start bartending and with the help of his mentor, Doug Coughlin, Flanagan is spinning bottles like a Vegas veteran after about 7 minutes of training.

 

The movie is typical 80’s which means it’s awkward to even watch again, but the flipping bottle scene in the movie is totally tubular and lands a place for Cruise in the top 5 of this list.  Plus, he is one of the two bartenders on the list getting down with the ladies.

 

#4 Woody Harrelson as Huckleberry Tiberius “Woody” Boyd on Cheers

Woody singing “Kelly, Kelly, Kelly”

With the exception of #1 on this list there probably isn’t a more entertaining character on television than Woody Boyd.  There isn’t nearly enough room on this post to even try and express the belly laughs Woody gave me throughout the years.

 

The naive hick from Hanover, Indiana (voted smartest in his class) never met a conversation that wasn’t over his head.  All jokes, concepts and direct orders are misunderstood on a massive scale, which only contributes to his persona as “most lovable bartender ever”.

 

Woody once wrote a song for his girlfriend, Kelly, in which her name constitutes 90% of the lyrics.

Best Woody Quote:

Sam:  Is it me or is that woman gorgeous.

Woody:  You look nice, Sam but I’d have to go with the woman.

 

#3 Ted Danson as Sam Malone on Cheers

The Master

Oh, Sammy!  With a black book containing more names than there are words in the dictionary, you are to be worshipped and revered like the womanizing man-beast you are.

Sam, of course, is the other bartender on this list getting laid.  A LOT!  Sam is funny, athletic, a great bartender, and a ladies man worth his weight in gold (I resemble 3 of these 4 qualities; don’t ask me which one I’m not).

 

#2 Moe Szyslack on The Simpsons

Moe Szyslack

My wife said to me, “How can you list Moe so high in your rankings? He’s a cartoon.”  Are you kidding me?  How can you NOT?  He wields a shotgun behind the bar and wears an extension cord for a belt.

Moe’s character is so complex I probably need an entire post just about him.  Moe’s gargoyle-like features give all ugly people a glimmer of hope at ever becoming a bartender in this industry.

 

Despite his bar being in constant threat of going under, Moe always seems to have something in the works, usually shady and illegal, such as running a casino and a speakeasy, keeping African bees in his back room, smuggling pandas, hosting Russian roulette games and serving liquor even though his license expired in 1973 and is only valid in Rhode Island.

 

The comedy is endless and brilliant, and his incompetence as a bartender and business owner creates enough hilarity to push Moe all the way to #2 on the list.

 

Best Moe quote:  (At the drive-thru with a date) I’m not cheap baby. I’m embarrassed to be seen with you. There’s a big difference.

 

#1 Ian McShane as Al Swearengen in Deadwood

Al Swearengen

And the winner is…

That’s right, Al “Fuck, Shit, C-Word” Swearengen of Deadwood.  Nobody can match the brains, wit or brutal verbal and physical bashings that this guy can administer.

 

Tony Soprano is a titanic pussy compared to Al.  His name says it all, because Swear-engen curses more than Courtney Love who curses more than Al Pacino in Scarface, and that’s a fuckload. The worst part of the show is when Swearengen gets a kidney stone and almost dies.

 

He can’t speak for three episodes and I thought I might stab myself in the neck if I had to watch one more minute without that gorgeous mouth of his tearing new assholes faster than a stop sign goes up in America.

 

The show itself is decent, but Swearengen makes it more awesome than Jedi knights with lasers on their heads.  I love you, Al! Congrats on your number one TheRealBarman ranking.  Fuck yeah, motherfuckers!

Best Al Swearengen quote:  God rest the souls of that poor family… and pussy’s half price for the next 15 minutes.

P.S.  I lied, Swearengen also gets laid, but it’s such filthy (literally) sex and since it’s from his own prostitutes, it hardly counts.

 

HONORABLE MENTIONS:  People who made a dent, but not the A-list

Jim and Mike from the Regal Beagle on Threes Company – Any bar that has Jack Tripper drinking there while juggling sexual misunderstandings with redheads, blondes and his two female roommates, gets both Jim and Mike a mention here.

The girls from Coyote Ugly – Why did the girls from this god-awful film make the list, you ask?  They’re chicks dressed in skirts the size of dinner napkins. Duh!

 

Nicholas Colasanto as Eanie “Coach” Pantusso on Cheers – An elderly version of Woody.  They were both great, but there’s only room for one dipshit bartender on the list.

 

Glenn Strange as Sam Noonan in Gunsmoke – He was on a show as a bartender way too long not to get mentioned here.  Plus he carried a rifle behind the bar.

 

Bryan Brown as Doug Coughlin in Cocktail – Brian Flanagan’s mentor.  I just loved the way he said “Cocktails and Dreams” in his cool British accent.

The 19 Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Heard People Say in My Bar

Over the past several months, I’ve been paying attention and writing down things I’ve overheard people say because they’re either wasted or just plain stupid. It’s difficult to discern in a bar.

I was going to keep adding to my list the stupid things people say, but I’ve become obsessed listening to conversations, so for the sake of my own sanity, I’ve decided that I’m done.

I will say that during this time I felt like a scientist living with gorillas and gathering valuable research…except this is far more important, because who gives a shit about gorillas?

1. One guy to another:  “Man, if I was good-looking I’d be getting laid all the time.”

 

2. Some bimbo with a group of her friends:  “It’s just the way cats are, they get spooked easily.  It’s human nature.”

 

3. A guy arguing with his friends why USC lost to Stanford:  “The biggest factor in the game was the amount of points scored.”

 

4. Some guy bragging about how ambitious he is:  I get up at 5 o’clock every morning, regardless of what time it is.

 

5. Two businessmen having a post-workday cocktail:  “I’m going to finish that goddamn report on time, no matter how long it takes.”

 

6. A guy watching Monday Night Football with his buddies:  “Man, if Cleveland is going to win the game they need to score.”

 

7. A guy talking about some recent success he had:  “After that, things just really started to snowplow.”

 

8. Two ladies sitting at the bar:  “Whatever happens tomorrow will happen to me, no matter what happens.”

 

9. Two guys talking about their college years:  “I had no problem with speech class. I’ve always been good about talking and stuff.”

 

10. Couple arguing at the bar:  

Wife:  “All I know is you work 10 hours a day, go to a bar with your friends 10 hours a day and then spend another 10 hours doing god knows what.”

11. Same couple:  

Guy:  “I know communication is a big problem, but I’m not going to discuss it with you right now.”

 

12. Two guys:

Guy #1:  “What did you do on Saturday?”

Guy #2:  “I went to a funeral.”

Guy #1: “Oh yeah? Did someone die?”

 

13. Two business guys talking about god-knows-what: “Specifically, what are the unknown factors?”

 

14. Two guys discussing lawn furniture: “You should see it. It’s beautiful. It’s made out of this big wooden piece of wood.”

 

15. At an airport bar, waiting to board a plane, this recording was playing on the loudspeaker: “Please keep a watchful eye on your luggage at all times, and avoid transporting any items without your knowledge.”

 

16. From one of the ladies in a group:  “It was dark as far as the eye could see.”

 

17. Three business guys having lunch:  

Guy #1: “What do the buyers need in order to qualify?”

Guy #2:  “They need to meet the qualifications.”

 

18. Three girls talking:

Girl #1:  “We’re going to this free concert on Friday at the Pavilion.”

Girl #2: “Cool, can we come?”

Girl #1:  “I think it’s sold out.”

 

19. One guy talking to another guy about his daughter’s soccer tryout:

“They won’t decide if she’s made the team until they’ve made a decision.”

Cheers, until next time.

The RB

Duane the Mixologist

Hello, my name is Duane. I am a mixologist.  If you do not believe me, just ask anyone at the bar and they will tell you that I am a mixologist.

 

If you need a cocktail, please do not call out, “Hey bartender,” because I will not respond, as I am not a bartender.  Please call me Duane, or Master Mixologist and I will be happy to serve you (sometimes when I’m feeling fun, I tell people that my name is Sir Mix-alot or Dr. Mixy and I get a fun reaction to my clever banter).

 

Some people think it is fun to go out and have drinks at a bar, but as a master mixologist, I have discovered a way to make it an agonizingly slow and painful experience.

I used to work with Dave, but I do not like him very much because he would call me Sewage Duane and also sing that Prince song, except he changed it to Purple Duane which would make people laugh really hard, more likely because Dave can’t sing.

In case you are ignorant, mixology is the process of making drinks exactly the same way a bartender does, only taking much more time to do it.

 

In actuality, it more difficult than Navy Seal training and consists of putting ice in a glass and pouring alcohol over it.  Everyone agrees with me that if there was such a thing as a double masters PhD in Mixology, I would most likely probably own a degree in it right now.

 

Here are some rules to follow about mixology if you are not as great as me and don’t know anything at all about mixology-ism.

 

1. Before making a drink, cause overwhelming regret to the people who ordered it by spending at least 8 minutes talking about why mixology is the most important thing in the world.

 

2. Tell the other bartenders what they are doing wrong every time they make a cocktail, as they are super appreciative of being educated on their wrongness.

 

3. Bring your own Boston Shaker and Hawthorne strainer to work in a case you purchased from BevMo.

 

4. Wear an awesome apron to hold your tools in. It’s the equivalent to having a black belt in Karate, which is probably most likely why the other bartenders don’t wear one.

 

5. Always carry a lemon zesterin your pocket or apron, even when you are not working, and don’t forget to show everyone in your apartment building your lemon zester because then they will know you are a mixologist.

 

6. No matter what topic a guest brings up, steer the conversation towards things that you like and any problems you are experiencing with girls in your life at that moment.

 

7. Let everyone know that you are a mixologist by telling them over and over that you are a mixologist,and then show them your lemon zester.

 

8. Say things like “tinctures” and “flavor profiles” and explain why egg whites are God’s gift to mixologists everywhere.

 

9. Pull out your 15 mixology toolslike they do in movies when they unwrap deadly tools to torture people with, and then describe in great detail their many purposes to guests until they express their desire to wrap their lips around a tailpipe to end their excruciating boredom.

 

One final thing you should know about us mixologists is that we don’t “make drinks”.  Instead we “craft cocktails”.

 

I am writing a book about this very thing and I’m calling it Krafting Kocktails With Duane.  “Crafting” and “cocktails” both start with a “C” but I am using “K’s” because I am super “Kreative”.  Haha, see what I mean?

 

My mom has already told me that she will buy three copies of my book when it comes out.  I have been working on my book for three years now and it already has 31 pages and has much better writing than you will ever read on Dave’s blog.

When I’m a best-selling mixologist author I will come order a drink from Dave at his bar and not tip him because he never learned the great art of Mixology.

Sincerely yours forever,

Duane The Mixologist, a.k.a. Sir Mix-a-Lot (Haha)

Sandi’s 7-Step Guide to Becoming a Great Server

As a recent graduate of Bowman’s Academy of Acting in the top 87% of my class, I decided to get a temporary job as a server with Dave at his dumb bar, but I am only working here until my talent agent gets me an audition to be the newest sister on the Kardashians.

Due to my hotness and razor sharp brain, I am definitely probably the best server you’ll ever meet.  Just last week I brought extra napkins to a table who had ordered buffalo wings without them even asking and one of the guys told me, “Thanks, Sandi, you are awesome,” which I totally am.

Another reason I am such a good server is that I wear an apron with a dozen ballpoint pens lined up in the pockets and I can also hold up to two orders in my head at one time without writing them down.

My hobbies include: sleeping til noon, tanning, sweatpants, and sleeping with boys to try and get them to love me.

My manager, Frank, tells me I have really good ideas, and he’s not just saying that so he can get in my pants.

I recently had an idea that definitely should be made a law:  I think when patrons come in to eat, they should tell me how much they are going to tip, then I will give them service that reflects their tipping percentage.

I call it “Reverse tipping communication ideology”.  If that sounds like a good idea to you, it’s because it is.

If you want to be an elite server like me, then you should listen to me because I can tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and how you can be more like me.  Dave asked me to come on his stupid blog and give my 7-Step Guide to becoming a great server like me.

I asked him to pay me for my geniusness but he said no because he’s a cheap asshole.

Step 1:  Complain to everyone working that night that you are “in the weeds” and when the hostess triple-seats you, go yell at her and tell her that she will never become a server because she is a dumb slut.  Or if it’s really slow, complain to everyone working that night that you aren’t making any money and that they should give you their tables because you are prettier than them.  Either way, whether it’s busy or slow, you will be able to practice complaining a lot.

Step 2:  If you are one of these people, don’t ever come sit in my section:  1) People from countries that don’t tip, like Spain or Paris.  2) People with kids.  3) Anyone who isn’t rich and white.  4)  People who order a side of ranch with everything.  5) People who want refills.  If you want all this stuff, you should have stayed home and got it yourself.

Step 3:  Talk to your table a lot about your life and what you are doing and why it’s important and how you had to take your cat to the vet because she got a tick on her neck.

If they start to talk about their lives, quickly excuse yourself and say that you have to refill waters at another tables, but don’t actually do it.  Instead go in the back and complain to the other servers that table 9 is full of pompous assholes who think they are better than you.

Step 4:  Don’t ever be friends with a girl named Michelle Rykers. She will screw your boyfriend and the only way to get back at her is to use her toothbrush to clean the toilet. Or sleep with her dad, which was really gross.

Step 5:  During one of your 12 smoke breaks, be really nice to people to their face and then when they walk away, talk about how fat and fake they are to another server. Sincerity is the first step to becoming a great server, even though I listed it as step 5.

Step 6:  Constantly ask the bartender what garnish goes on your drinks. They love to be involved in the process of helping you with stuff you should have learned in training but forget all the time.

Also, tell him to hook you up with some free drinks, and if he doesn’t go tell all the female servers that he has really bad breath.  And syphilis.

Step 7:  Don’t ever sleep with the manager because as soon as you do he’ll pretend he’s not interested any more and he won’t call you back no matter how much you text him or drop by his apartment and knock on his door, and then he’ll change the schedule so you aren’t working the same shifts as him.

If I could give one piece of advice to people who want to become a server, it would be to understand that what I think and feel is the most important thing on this planet.  And ranch dressing sucks!

Dave tells me that these steps don’t really tell people how to become a server, and that they aren’t really steps at all but more like aimless bitching and rambling, but he never gives me free shots when I ask for them, so I hope he dies of thirst in the desert.

Look Ma, I’m in Cosmo

It’s true, apparently I’ve made it big time. No, I’m not one of the hot dudes with his shirt off giving smoky looks of lust.

In fact, there is no picture of me at all (at least not yet), only my name.  One of the writers from Cosmopolitan Magazine reads my blog and she was doing a story on date rape drugs so she called me up to ask if I’d had any experiences with them. I have. Two times.

The article only touches on the two incidences briefly, but the one where the guy who gives me $30 to put a roofie in a girl’s drink, so I took his $30 and had my security guy throw him on to a fire hydrant out front.

Page 178, for you Cosmo enthusiasts

Yep, that’s me.  Cosmo even highlighted the part that features me because they must have felt it was the most important part of the article. I swear I had nothing to do with that.  Nope.

Once you’ve finished reading my inspiring, unforgettable quotes, there’s an excellent article in the back on giving the proper handjob. Up and down, ladies, it’s not a bottle cap.  No twisting.

Cheers, until next time.

The RB

The Douchebag’s 10-Step Guide for Proper Bar Behavior

Sometimes I love my job.  And sometimes I feel like a dirty hooker lying on her back on a urine soaked mattress in a sleazy motel:  I focus on a spot on the wall and allow my mind to drift to a happier place in order to avoid the sweating, grunting clientele who just want what they want without the distraction of human interaction or emotional commitment.

If you ever find yourself in my bar and feel the need to act like one of these douchebags I’m speaking of, follow this simple step-by-step guide to ensure that you and everyone you come in contact with has an awkward, uncomfortable bar experience.

 

Step 1:  Upon arriving, become annoyed when Dave asks for your ID, as he should know who you are. It is extremely inconvenient to dislodge your license from the little plastic window in your wallet and can only be compared to receiving paper cuts on your eyelids. Dave should know, just by looking at you, that you are 22 years old and more important than God.

 

Step 2:  If you come alone, pretend to check your phone a lot, as this will make it appear as if you have lots of friends who can’t live without your constant counsel and comment. Every once in awhile, grin or laugh and pretend to text something.

 

To make new friends at the bar, yell out, “Let’s do some shots, whoooooooooo!” to the people next to you, but don’t offer to pay for them. There’s always a chance that there will be a responsible adult in the group who is kind and stupid enough to offer.

 

Step 3:  If Dave is busy, reach your arm across the people sitting at the bar and snap your fingers at him to demand his attention. Inform him that you’ve been waiting awhile and inquire whether or not you’ll get free drinks for the aggravation you have endured.  

 

If he refuses, leave a 25 cent tip and then tell the people whose backs you’ve been leaning on that the bartenders here suck. If Dave notices your tip before you have a chance to back away, tell him that you’ll get him next time and let him know that he’s still your boy by shaping your fingers into a pistol and shooting him while making that snickering noise people do with their mouths to get horses to come to them.

 

Step 4:  To break the ice with girls, talk to them about your fantasy football team and how if Adrian Peterson would have had just 600 more yards and 12 more touchdowns you would have won your league.  I

 

f she appears disinterested, call attention to the potential benefits she might have enjoyed considering the fact that winning your league would have banked you $150 and as a hypothetical result you would have bought her at least one cocktail and possibly even a beer by now.

 

If that doesn’t work ask her if she has ninjas in her pants, because her ass is kickin’, and then touch her awkwardly on the lower back.

 

Step 5:  Pretend that everyone you are speaking to has cotton packed into their ears and the only way for them to hear you is to scream four inches from the side of their face.  Complain about everything going on in the bar.

 

This will demonstrate to others that you are too good for this place and do not tolerate mediocrity. Tell those around you that the music sucks and that it’s too bright and that there are no bitches here for you to hook up with.

 

Complain about how weak your Jack and Coke is and the next time you order a drink from Dave, order a “Strong Island” and tell him to hook a brotha’ up. Assume that he is perfectly happy risking his job for you by not charging for the extra alcohol.

 

Step 6:  While at the urinal, strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. Point out that it’s a sausage-fest at the bar tonight, implying that you are the only person with a penis who should be allowed to congregate here and that the rest of the crowd should be women begging to go home with you.

 

Every few seconds, glance over at your new friend and see what he’s got going on in his urinal, and then insinuate your superior size by giving a soft chuckle at what you find.

 

Step 7:  Once you are sufficiently sloshed, head out to the dance floor and grind up on some hoes. Make certain to raise the roof while making a loud “Woo-woo” sound. Exhibit your gangsta side by bobbing your head and your pretend glock to the beat while shouting the lyrics to every rap song that is played.  While dancing, experiment with pick-up lines that only sluts would appreciate (“Nice legs, what time do they open?”) so as to weed out the prudes and undesirables.  

 

After you finish your vodka Redbull go back to the bar and tell Dave that a busser took your drink and that he needs to make you a new one for free.

 

Step 8:  When Dave cuts you off for being over-intoxicated, give a look of treacherous disbelief and then become violently angry, as if you have just been accused of raping your own mother.

 

Yell out to everyone in the bar that this place is bullshit and then point at Dave and ask him if he has any idea who he’s fucking with. Make a scene when the bouncers escort you out by thrashing about like a fish on a hook. Once outside, scream at the bouncers for being dicks. Stagger fifty feet down the sidewalk and puke in the bushes.

 

Step 9:  Get on Facebook the next morning and post something awesome like, “Waz up bitches!!! Yo, got my drink on last night. Girls were grinding all up on my junk!!! Heading to the drug store to replenish my condom supply, if you know what I mean! Haha!! Get some Bro!!! Peace out!!!!!!”

 

Step 10:  Lock yourself in the bathroom and masturbate. Watch Jersey Shore marathon.

 

Cheers, until next time.

The RB

1 Bar Etiquette: How to Keep the Bartender Happy

Occupational hazards are a way of life no matter your profession:  doctors are required to be in the presence of the sick and dying, construction workers are on the constant lookout for falling cinderblocks, Alaskan king crab fisherman must avoid being washed overboard by a giant swell. 

Sure, bartenders do not walk the same perilous lines as those people, and in fact you might call our cross to bear something closer to “occupational burdens” than hazards, but let’s not split hairs.  In the service industry our burdens come in the form of recurring gripers and complainers and downright assholes. 

If the food isn’t undercooked then the music is too loud or too soft, or the drinks are not strong enough, it’s too cold, it’s too bright, the people are ugly, and on and on and on.

I once worked with another bartender who preached that nobody should be able to eat out in a restaurant until he/she worked in one for at least 6 months.  This comes straight from the “walk a mile in my shoes” ideology. 

Imagine the compassion we would have for others if only we worked their job for awhile. I know a few teachers who would love to trade places with the psycho parents they deal with on a day to day basis. 

With that said, I have never been a teacher and can only vouch for the bartenders of the world, so let’s call them unwritten rules, call it common courtesy, call it what you want, but here’s a list of bar etiquette for you and your friends to learn before you attend another drinking establishment that will make your bartender happy and hopefully get you good service:

On Getting my Attention:  First and foremost, I am not a dog and I’m not a five year old interrupting you while you’re talking on the phone.  Do not snap at me.  This little attention-getter is second only to throwing things at me, which will get you tossed out on your ear.

 

On Cheapness:  If you order a vodka cranberry and leave me a quarter, don’t act all befuddled when my eyes glaze over the next time you are trying to get my attention or when your next drink turns out to be cranberry juice with a splash of vodka.  

I’m sorry our society has created this bizarre culture in which you tip people for pouring liquid into a glass, but they did, so if you want good service and a decent drink, abide by it.  If not, enjoy your cranberry juice.

 

On the Strength of Your Drink:  You would not go to a pizza place and ask them to bring out another half pizza for free because the one you ordered wasn’t “strong enough”.  Do not order a drink and tell me to “make it a good one” or say “I can’t even taste the alcohol”. 

This is not a garage sale, you cannot negotiate the amount of liquor for the price.  I know how much liquor goes in a drink.  If you want me to make it a good one, order a double.  And if you can’t taste the alcohol, you’re either an alcoholic or you don’t tip well enough.

On Being Prepared to Order:  Here’s an oldie but goody.  I am whipping out drinks left and right, and while doing so I can see you out of the corner of my eye down at the other end of the bar waving and jumping up and down like a chimpanzee on hot asphalt. 

 

I feel bad that no one has attended to you yet, so I hustle down to the other end and when I get there and ask you what you want, you turn around and ask your six friends, “What are you drinking?”  They all look around and say, “Ummm, I don’t know, what are you having?”  

Sorry, but I’m gone.  I don’t have time to wait around while your friends all ask each other what the other is drinking.  If you’re going to wave me down, you’d better be prepared for a rapid-fire order.

On Starting a Tab:    When you order a Budweiser and give me a credit card and ask me to close it out, I assume you’re done for the evening.  Do not come back five more times and order one drink and close it out.  Start a tab.  Be assured, I do not want to steal your credit card. You will get it back.

On Being a Girl:  I don’t intend to offend, but seriously, girls, what the fuck?  Why can’t you just buy your friend a drink?  Friday night, 11:00 p.m. and a group of you walks up to the bar, orders four cosmos and hands me four separate credit cards. 

This takes time to close out credit cards separately.  Then, ten minutes later you are all back again.  Four drinks, four credit cards, and everyone’s wondering what’s taking so long to get a drink.  Guys buy rounds of drinks for their buddies.  Why can’t you?

On Being my Best Friend:  Just because you know me does not mean we are friends.  Do not abuse your familiarity with me by pretending we shared a prison cell together so you can get a drink faster and impress all your friends because you know the bartender.  I have lots of friends, but they don’t yell at me when they want a drink.

On Free Drinks:  I don’t care if it’s your birthday, I don’t care if you’re gorgeous, I don’t care if your dog just died.  Don’t ask me for a free drink.  It’s tacky and rude to assume that you are important enough that I will risk my job so you can have something for free. 

If you need some money to go out with, ask daddy for a raise in your allowance.  It’s not like I come to your place of work and ask for a free root canal.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’re all lovely, wonderful people, but really the only bond you and I share is the drink sitting on the bar between us. 

So let’s make an arrangement:  you express the type of cocktails that appeal to you, whether you like them sweet or sour or somewhere in between, and I, the craftsman, will concoct some sort of medley based on that information. 

I will also provide some conversation and entertainment, perhaps lend an ear, and you go ahead and kill your brain cells and either become a happy-go-lucky drunk or a belligerent, unruly mess.  I will egg you on if you’re happy and subdue you if you’re not.  Your job is to be relatively civilized and respectful, and if you can do that, you just might end up with a nice strong drink.

Cheers, until next time.

The RB