Hook Me Up, Mr. Bartender

Hook Me Up, Mr. Bartender

The following discussion is an exchange I had with a guest years ago as a bartender. I have revived this conversation for anyone who is still not quite sure how capitalism or the transaction of money works in bars, as well as for anyone who likes the band Nickelback, as I assume you have some sort of learning disability. In order to fully understand the situation, we must have a set of ground rules. Here is a reminder of what bars are not: Bars are not yard sales. Bars are not auctions where you can raise up a little numbered sign on a stick to bid for drinks. Bars are not J.C. Penny’s or Target that have year-end clearance sales. Despite what the dishonest bartenders of the world might lead you to believe, drinks are non-negotiable, at least not in places that are trying to earn a profit. I want you to fully understand the situation because I know I can sound like a dick sometimes, but...
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The 19 Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Heard People Say in My Bar

The 19 Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Heard People Say in My Bar

Over the past several months, I’ve been paying attention and writing down things I’ve overheard people say because they’re either wasted or just plain stupid. It’s difficult to discern in a bar. I was going to keep adding to my list the stupid things people say, but I’ve become obsessed listening to conversations, so for the sake of my own sanity, I’ve decided that I’m done. I will say that during this time I felt like a scientist living with gorillas and gathering valuable research…except this is far more important, because who gives a shit about gorillas? 1. One guy to another:  “Man, if I was good-looking I’d be getting laid all the time.”   2. Some bimbo with a group of her friends:  “It’s just the way cats are, they get spooked easily.  It’s human nature.”   3. A guy arguing with his friends why USC lost to Stanford:  “The biggest factor in the game was the amount of points scored.”   4. Some guy bragging about how...
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Look Ma, I’m in Cosmo

Look Ma, I’m in Cosmo

It’s true, apparently I’ve made it big time. No, I’m not one of the hot dudes with his shirt off giving smoky looks of lust. In fact, there is no picture of me at all (at least not yet), only my name.  One of the writers from Cosmopolitan Magazine reads my blog and she was doing a story on date rape drugs so she called me up to ask if I’d had any experiences with them. I have. Two times. The article only touches on the two incidences briefly, but the one where the guy who gives me $30 to put a roofie in a girl’s drink, so I took his $30 and had my security guy throw him on to a fire hydrant out front. Yep, that’s me.  Cosmo even highlighted the part that features me because they must have felt it was the most important part of the article. I swear I had nothing to do with that.  Nope. Once you’ve finished...
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