Hook Me Up, Mr. Bartender

Hook Me Up, Mr. Bartender

The following discussion is an exchange I had with a guest years ago as a bartender. I have revived this conversation for anyone who is still not quite sure how capitalism or the transaction of money works in bars, as well as for anyone who likes the band Nickelback, as I assume you have some sort of learning disability. In order to fully understand the situation, we must have a set of ground rules. Here is a reminder of what bars are not: Bars are not yard sales. Bars are not auctions where you can raise up a little numbered sign on a stick to bid for drinks. Bars are not J.C. Penny’s or Target that have year-end clearance sales. Despite what the dishonest bartenders of the world might lead you to believe, drinks are non-negotiable, at least not in places that are trying to earn a profit. I want you to fully understand the situation because I know I can sound like a dick sometimes, but...
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10 Reasons Why Starbucks Baristas Make Awesome Bartenders

10 Reasons Why Starbucks Baristas Make Awesome Bartenders

I believe in full transparency, so for those of you who don't know me, I help people become bartenders. It's one of the main things I do, which is how this whole experiment with Starbuck's began about a year ago. If you want to learn more about how to become a bartender like my other former barista students have done, CLICK HERE to see how I guide my students to the promised land very quickly. I offer a FREE 3-Part Video Training Series so you can discover if this is a path for you. The fact of the matter is, I love Starbuck's. I don't really drink the coffee there because if I'm spending $5 for liquid in a cup it'll be for a beer or really cheap whiskey, and not sugar-bloated sludge. However, I love the FEEL of Starbuck's. I'll tag along with my wife just so I can hang out.  Despite their obvious corporate dominance, it doesn't feel corporate. They've done...
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The 19 Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Heard People Say in My Bar

The 19 Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Heard People Say in My Bar

Over the past several months, I’ve been paying attention and writing down things I’ve overheard people say because they’re either wasted or just plain stupid. It’s difficult to discern in a bar. I was going to keep adding to my list the stupid things people say, but I’ve become obsessed listening to conversations, so for the sake of my own sanity, I’ve decided that I’m done. I will say that during this time I felt like a scientist living with gorillas and gathering valuable research…except this is far more important, because who gives a shit about gorillas? 1. One guy to another:  “Man, if I was good-looking I’d be getting laid all the time.”   2. Some bimbo with a group of her friends:  “It’s just the way cats are, they get spooked easily.  It’s human nature.”   3. A guy arguing with his friends why USC lost to Stanford:  “The biggest factor in the game was the amount of points scored.”   4. Some guy bragging about how...
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Sandi’s 7-Step Guide to Becoming a Great Server

Sandi’s 7-Step Guide to Becoming a Great Server

As a recent graduate of Bowman’s Academy of Acting in the top 87% of my class, I decided to get a temporary job as a server with Dave at his dumb bar, but I am only working here until my talent agent gets me an audition to be the newest sister on the Kardashians. Due to my hotness and razor sharp brain, I am definitely probably the best server you’ll ever meet.  Just last week I brought extra napkins to a table who had ordered buffalo wings without them even asking and one of the guys told me, “Thanks, Sandi, you are awesome,” which I totally am. Another reason I am such a good server is that I wear an apron with a dozen ballpoint pens lined up in the pockets and I can also hold up to two orders in my head at one time without writing them down. My hobbies include: sleeping til noon, tanning, sweatpants, and sleeping with boys to...
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Why Bartending Schools Don’t Work

Why Bartending Schools Don’t Work

In case you’re as dim as a 10-watt bulb, you are quite alert to the fact that I am anti-bartending school. I’ve been bartending and bar managing for 15 years now and I can’t quite describe my level of agitation when I see all the articles on the Internet that advise people to sign up for them. I kid you not, it peeves me beyond belief. It’s like going to grocery clerk school so you can get a job at Safeway. Sounds ridiculous, but it’s not that far from the truth. They memorize a boatload of fruit and vegetable codes, work in a computer system, deal with customers and they have to be fast or the line backs up. So why aren’t there schools for them? (Hmmm…new idea alert…) The reason is because being a bartender is a coveted and sought after position and schools were created by those who saw a chance to earn a buck. Nothing wrong with that. These are...
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Look Ma, I’m in Cosmo

Look Ma, I’m in Cosmo

It’s true, apparently I’ve made it big time. No, I’m not one of the hot dudes with his shirt off giving smoky looks of lust. In fact, there is no picture of me at all (at least not yet), only my name.  One of the writers from Cosmopolitan Magazine reads my blog and she was doing a story on date rape drugs so she called me up to ask if I’d had any experiences with them. I have. Two times. The article only touches on the two incidences briefly, but the one where the guy who gives me $30 to put a roofie in a girl’s drink, so I took his $30 and had my security guy throw him on to a fire hydrant out front. Yep, that’s me.  Cosmo even highlighted the part that features me because they must have felt it was the most important part of the article. I swear I had nothing to do with that.  Nope. Once you’ve finished...
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