jasonbournegun

The Bourne Illumination

IT’S LIKE LOOKING IN A MIRROR! I have always wanted to be a bad-ass action hero, from the time I was about four, watching The Six-Million Dollar Man, up until about two days ago. One of the great pleasures I get working at my bar is that about once every three or four months some drunk person…

images - new mix

Duane the Mixologist

Hello, my name is Duane.  I am a mixologist.  People call me Duane the mixologist.  If you need a cocktail, please do not call out, “Hey bartender,” because I will not respond, as I am not a bartender.  Please call me Duane, or Master Mixologist and I will be happy to serve you (sometimes when…

images - group

Fucking With Drunk People

 I’m not sure why, but lately I’ve become more irritable about the fact that I spend five nights a week in a place where I’m sober and everyone else is flying high and yuckin’ it up.  I understand that it’s my job, but after awhile it feels like I’ve been invited to a party but…

images - drunk

You Might be a Drunk if…

If you’ve been on the fence lately as to whether you’ve been drinking too much. See if any of these apply.  You might be a drunk if… You take a shot of 151 and complain to the bartender that it isn’t strong enough. While drinking a beer on your couch, you yell at your cat…

images - cop

Bartender Ride-Along

     Cops are so lucky.  They get to wear a sparkly badge and eat doughnuts and tell people to spread ‘em.  They carry around their shooty-things on their hip and get to hit people in the upper thighs with a heavy stick that swings recklessly from their Batman utility belt.  All I get is…

Rise of the Lake People

If you’ve been wondering where I’ve been, I went camping this past week (yes, the barman gets time off too, you know) at Collins Lake near Oregon House, CA. For those of you who don’t know, camping at Collins Lake is like camping in a giant parking lot, except with dusty trees and a giant…

My Days as a Porn and Drug Pusher

One thing you learn at college after your sixth year of taking classes and your fifth time switching your major is that your mom doesn’t want to pay for you to drink beer and play in weekend whiffle ball tournaments anymore. She sat me down one summer morning and told me over waffles that she…