1. Lose your hearing. Either that or you become extremely nearsighted because when you are wasted, you will shout at someone standing two feet away from you as if they are on the other side of a stadium.
2. Make out with someone uglier than your great aunt Edna. Unfortunately, there is no stronger force in the universe than drunken horniness. Just let it happen and move on.
3. Buy drinks for total strangers. This is a wonderful gesture until you wake up the next morning and find a credit card receipt in your wallet resembling your car payment. I’m still paying for shots I bought ten years ago.
4. Have sex with someone uglier than your great aunt Edna. Don’t act like you haven’t, and if you haven’t, you will.
5. Put your face in a place someone’s ass was just 2 minutes before. Would you EVER do this sober? If your answer is yes, please leave my blog right now.
6. Eat all of your roommate’s food in the fridge when you get home from the bars. Not only will you eat their food, you will eat leftover, crusty nachos that have been sitting on the counter for the past 14 hours.
7. Make outrageous commitments with your friends. Dude, I’ll totally get up and run up Mt. Diablo tomorrow morning at 7:00 am. Ok, me too. You’d better be there. Oh, I’ll be there, you can count on that. You just worry about yourself. I’m so there. I swear on my mom’s life. In fact, let’s make it 6:00. You’re on. Duuuuuuuuuude! (Broski fist pound).
8. Pee anywhere. Buildings and sidewalks suddenly become your toilet.
9. Argue your point to the death. No facts, reason or common sense will persuade you to believe otherwise. You will throw blows before you admit Bert and Ernie were gay.
10. Claim that you aren’t that drunk. ”I just need a minute,” you’ll say, and then you’ll lay your head down on the bar and go to sleep.