You’ve only got two choices when you come out of your mom’s vagina: you’re either a little snotty, aggressive boy who is dirty all the time, wrestles with his friends and has a permanent boner from the age of 11 years old on, or you’re that other one. The one who chased us around in kindergarten and tried to pin us down to kiss us on the cheek, and who then chased us around when she got older so she could pin us down to a lifelong commitment.
Who has the time to figure girls out and all their mixed messages? You meet a nice girl and she tells you that she loves a guy who’s funny and spontaneous, but as soon as you pop up outside her bedroom window at night dressed as a clown, it’s all panic and screaming. I don’t get it. And neither do the rest of the guys out there.
All I can say is that I’m thrilled that I came out with a penis and very little brains because it makes my life a lot less complicated. After all these many years of marriage and life experiences I can honestly say that I’ve only learned one thing about girls: if you beat them at anything competitive you are an asshole and if you lose to them you are the idiot pansy-ass who lost to a girl.
For all of you girls out there who wonder why we love being guys, here are 25 reasons why being a guy RULES!!!
1. A week-long vacation in Hawaii requires only the clothes on our backs and a small duffel bag equipped with one swim-suit, a toothbrush….that’s it.
2. We have the ability to open all our own jars, bottles and anything with a cap on it. A pregnant woman’s worst nightmare is craving pickles, a new jar and no man in sight.
3. We can throw a baseball without looking like we are hurling a cinderblock with a dislocated shoulder.
5. We don’t bleed out of a hole between our legs once a month and start crying because someone didn’t notice that we changed to bangs instead of no bangs.
6. We have the ability to go pee without forming a conglomerate of friends who stay in the bathroom for 45 minutes discussing hair, outfits, Juicy bags and the inadequacies of men.
7. Speaking of peeing, being able to stand up while doing so is a true gift from God. Camping, porta-potties and gas station bathrooms. Enough said.
8. When heading to the beach, we do not feel the need to instruct the driver on which lane to drive in, which parking space to take or how to lay the blanket out on the sand.
9. We don’t have to worry about birth control. Thank god!
10. We don’t need to spoon to fall asleep. Sure, for you ladies it’s all cuddly, warm and safe-feeling. For us it’s hair in our face, arm falling asleep, painful boner in your lower back.
11. After an argument, we will bro-hug it out and buy each other a beer instead of not speaking to each other for the next 23 years.
12. Our underwear doesn’t permanently wedgie our ass.
13. A woman’s underwear permanently wedgies her ass.
14. From the first sock we take off to the last cuff link we put on, we can shower and be ready to go out in four minutes.
15. We don’t care what you’re thinking….which reminds me, I’m not thinking anything, EVER. Just because we sit in silence for five to six seconds at a time does not mean we are thinking of leaving you. Yet.
16. We do not dream of a walk-in closet for our shoes. In fact, we only have three pairs to choose from: athletic, work shoes, or flip-flops. Come to think of it, we could fit our entire wardrobe in one of the bathroom drawers that holds our toothbrush and deodorant and still have room left over to hold our porn.
17. Haircut, wash and rinse = $16. Tip included.
18. Two of us don’t need to sneak off from our other seven friends at a party to go talk shit about them.
19. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
20. We don’t need to learn how to use an iron because wrinkles are what give a shirt its character.
21. The more women we sleep with, the more legendary we become.
22. If we see another guy wearing the same shirt as us, we don’t run home cursing our existence and change, we simply high-five each other for having such great taste in clothing.
23. We can achieve a perfect manicure using our teeth and/or possible the tines of a fork.
24. We can complete all of our Christmas shopping at 8:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve at 7-Eleven in just under 14 minutes.
25. We don’t need to fake orgasms. We can finish in our pants just by rubbing up against a wall. Fake orgasms? Are you kidding me? This is why I don’t understand girls. A guy couldn’t fake an orgasm any more than he could fake sweating in 120 degree weather. In both cases the bodily fluids are coming out whether you like it or not.
Fake orgasms. What a waste!
Cheers, until the next time