We are all aware of this scene: a shirtless man wearing jeans and a tool belt takes a break from sanding the deck, walks up to his girl and grabs her around the waist and forcefully pulls her to his chest, causing her to gasp in startled rapture.
Where is that guy? What in the hell happened? When did men stop being men?
When I imagine what goes on inside my grandparents’ heads while they are playing dominoes and considering the backbone of today’s youth, it kills me a little each day.
And it’s all our fault. Tag is no longer allowed to be played on school playgrounds. Tag! You know, that deadly game where you touch someone on the arm and run away? My generation played mailbox baseball and smear the queer, and now you can’t even play a game in which you touch someone lightly for fear that some doofus might trip while running and skin a knee causing some litigious mom to sue the school district.
It’s time to remember who we once were, and by the way, when I speak of manly things, I will not acknowledge the sloths who define a man as someone who sits on his couch scarfing KFC from the bucket and using his wife-beater as a napkin. We don’t want to hear you boasting about the girth of your beer belly and the lengths of your turds or watch you bite off your toenails and chew on them for an hour. I don’t think so, Jabba! You are a gluttonous filthy hog and should be choked out with a bike chain.
Here’s the dirty truth: the cosmic order does not need you anymore. If that hurts your feelings then I’m not surprised, because real men don’t display their feelings. We need to stop making that guy who parades his laziness and ineptitude around like they’re badges of honor.
Despite any trepidation and fear we might experience from our wives/girlfriends/whatever, every man worth his weight in balls must band together in a Braveheart-like, raise-our-bare-asses-to-the-English stand against the rise of this slovenly generation of creampuffs that threatens not only our freedom, but the staunch machismo of our very existence.
With that said, here are the top 10 characteristics that will help you reclaim your manhood and get society back on track.
1. Stop counting calories. You want to be healthy and in shape, go for it, but stop ordering your salad with the dressing on the side and checking the backs of boxes for a calorie count and then talking about it for an hour. And for the love of all things manly, stop drinking protein shakes. You’re one step away from wearing spandex bike shorts and a calorie counter around your bicep, and if you’re wearing those things you can stop being my friend right now.
2. Drink top-shelf liquor. Straight. If you drink cocktails with a mixer, you’re a pussy! Real men drink strong, quality booze straight from a glass with no mixer. Don’t believe me? Two names: Earnest Hemmingway and James Bond. BLAM!
3. Kill the Metro inside of you. You want a tan, take your shirt off, go outside and Paul Bunyan a tree. I don’t care what your girlfriend tells you to do. Stop going to tanning booths and getting highlights in your hair and piercings in your nose and ears and shaving your chest, etc, etc, etc. Your body shower gel and hair spiking glue are seriously retarding the male chromosome.
4. Build and repair things around the house. Jump all over this super manly action. This one characteristic alone could save your life. Go to Home Depot. A lot. Wear a tool belt, own power tools and a workbench with drawers filled with nuts and bolts and greasy wrenches. When in doubt, duck tape and WD-40 everything. It’s a known fact that women are 78.39% more likely to jump in bed with a man who fixes things around the house.
5. Learn the art of seduction. Stop dumping a bunch of drinks into a girl so you can strip her pants off while she’s half-conscious. Master the ways of charm and decorum. Pick her up, take her to dinner, open the door for her without mulling it over. Learn how to sit close to her on the couch and unhook her bra with one hand. The way you’ve been doing it all these years leaves her staring dejectedly at the ceiling with regret after you’re done with your grunt-fest. The real man leaves her daydreaming out the window for a week, distracted by your awesomeness.
6. Get into some trouble. I don’t mean buy a glock and rob a liquor store, but stop Tweeting and Facebooking “Love you, Schnookie Pie.” Whatever happened to boys will be boys? Get rip-roarin’ drunk and play some poker, smoke some cigars and allow spontaneous wrestling matches to break out in your living room. Bleed and sweat, for Christ’s sake!
7. Dress like a man. An occasional suit is acceptable, but under normal circumstances, this means jeans and a t-shirt. Period. I’m talking a plain t-shirt or one with something sports-related printed on it. No one wants to see you dressed in your douchebag Affliction t-shirt with glittery skulls and dragons, nor your pointy dress shoes and fashion jeans with the swirly embroidery on the back pockets. You’re a TOOL!
8. Go camping. A real man needs the outdoors once in awhile to restore his carnal instinct and remind him of where he came from. Activities that will help restore your memory are: chopping wood, building a fire, pitching a tent (in more ways than one), peeing outdoors, baiting a hook and considering the stars and your place in the universe.
9. Take a stand. Nothing says pussy like a passive, indecisive man who asks permission and apologizes for everything. If you want to be a man again, take a stand and believe in something, and when someone stands in your way, punch them the fuck out with some force. Being decisive and wrong is infinitely better than flapping cowardly in the wind. That’s how this country was built. Don’t shame our ancestors by trying to make a decision while dancing in place like you’re about to pee your panties.
10. Be a hero. Speak up against evil, stop on-coming traffic, use your coat to protect a lady’s hair against the rain. In short, have some balls to put others’ comfort and safety before your own. It’s no secret that the hero gets the woman in the end.
Honorable mentions: Listen to classic rock, quote manly movies, be great at barbecuing, have a porn stash, make fun of your friends, have your handshake mean something, drive trucks, get dirty, play sports, sweat, grow some facial hair (not just a mustache though; that makes you look like a highway patrolman turned 70′s porn star).
Cheers, until next time.