The 19 Stupidest Things I’ve Ever Heard People Say in My Bar
Over the past several months, I’ve been paying attention and writing down things I’ve overheard people say because they’re either wasted or just plain stupid. It’s difficult to discern in a bar.
I was going to keep adding to my list the stupid things people say, but I’ve become obsessed listening to conversations, so for the sake of my own sanity, I’ve decided that I’m done.
I will say that during this time I felt like a scientist living with gorillas and gathering valuable research…except this is far more important, because who gives a shit about gorillas?
1. One guy to another: “Man, if I was good-looking I’d be getting laid all the time.”
2. Some bimbo with a group of her friends: “It’s just the way cats are, they get spooked easily. It’s human nature.”
3. A guy arguing with his friends why USC lost to Stanford: “The biggest factor in the game was the amount of points scored.”
4. Some guy bragging about how ambitious he is: I get up at 5 o’clock every morning, regardless of what time it is.
5. Two businessmen having a post-workday cocktail: “I’m going to finish that goddamn report on time, no matter how long it takes.”
6. A guy watching Monday Night Football with his buddies: “Man, if Cleveland is going to win the game they need to score.”
7. A guy talking about some recent success he had: “After that, things just really started to snowplow.”
8. Two ladies sitting at the bar: “Whatever happens tomorrow will happen to me, no matter what happens.”
9. Two guys talking about their college years: “I had no problem with speech class. I’ve always been good about talking and stuff.”
10. Couple arguing at the bar:
Wife: “All I know is you work 10 hours a day, go to a bar with your friends 10 hours a day and then spend another 10 hours doing god knows what.”
11. Same couple:
Guy: “I know communication is a big problem, but I’m not going to discuss it with you right now.”
12. Two guys:
Guy #1: “What did you do on Saturday?”
Guy #2: “I went to a funeral.”
Guy #1: “Oh yeah? Did someone die?”
13. Two business guys talking about god-knows-what: “Specifically, what are the unknown factors?”
14. Two guys discussing lawn furniture: “You should see it. It’s beautiful. It’s made out of this big wooden piece of wood.”
15. At an airport bar, waiting to board a plane, this recording was playing on the loudspeaker: “Please keep a watchful eye on your luggage at all times, and avoid transporting any items without your knowledge.”
16. From one of the ladies in a group: “It was dark as far as the eye could see.”
17. Three business guys having lunch:
Guy #1: “What do the buyers need in order to qualify?”
Guy #2: “They need to meet the qualifications.”
18. Three girls talking:
Girl #1: “We’re going to this free concert on Friday at the Pavilion.”
Girl #2: “Cool, can we come?”
Girl #1: “I think it’s sold out.”
19. One guy talking to another guy about his daughter’s soccer tryout:
“They won’t decide if she’s made the team until they’ve made a decision.”
Cheers, until next time.