Hello, my name is Duane. I am a master mixologist. If you do not believe me, just ask anyone at the bar and they will most definitely confirm this fact based on the many masterful cocktails I have mixed for them.
If you need a cocktail, please do not call out, “Hey bartender,” because I will not respond, as I am not a bartender. Please call me Duane, or Master Mixologist and I will be happy to serve you (sometimes when I’m feeling fun, I tell people that my name is Sir Mix-alot or Dr. Mixy and I get a fun reaction to my clever banter).
Some people think it is fun to go out and have drinks at a bar, but as a master mixologist, my job is to make it an agonizingly slow and painful experience. Like a root canal, but with less novocaine.
I used to work with Dave, but I do not like him very much because he would call me Sewage Duane and also sing that Prince song, except he changed it to Purple Duane which would make people laugh really hard, most likely probably because Dave can’t sing.
In case you are ignorant, mixology is the process of making drinks exactly the same way a bartender does, only taking much more time to do it.
In actuality, it more difficult than Navy Seal training and consists of putting ice in a glass and pouring alcohol over it. Everyone agrees with me that if there was such a thing as a double masters PhD in Mixology, there would be a good possibility that I might own a degree in it right now.
One of my favorite things about being a mixologist is being more knowledgable than my co-workers. Sometimes they will say to me, “Hey Duane, what a great muddler you are,” and I reply, “Thank you, the trick is to press and twist the muddler gently for proper flavor release. By the way, you should use a coaster when serving drinks.”
If you are not as great as me and don’t know anything at all about mixologyism, here are some rules to follow about mixology that might help you.
The 9 Rules of Mixology
1. Before making a drink, spend at least 8 minutes talking about why mixology is the most important job in the world, and then provide a prolonged version of the history of every alcohol that goes into each drink, as well as the method of preparation.
2. Tell the other bartenders what they are doing wrong every time they make a cocktail, as they are super appreciative of being educated on their wrongness.
3. Bring your own Boston Shaker and Hawthorne strainer to work in a case you purchased from Amazon.com.
4. Wear an awesome apron to hold your tools in. It’s the equivalent to having a black belt in Karate, which is likely why the other bartenders don’t wear one.
5. Always carry a lemon zester in your pocket or apron, even when you are not working, because that way you can show it to everyone in your apartment building and they will then know that you are a mixologist.
6. No matter what topic a guest brings up, steer the conversation towards things that you like. Use this time to talk about the novel you are writing and justify why you are currently attending the local Jucco instead of a university.
7. Let everyone know that you are a mixologist by telling them over and over that you are a mixologist,and then show them your lemon zester.
8. Say things like “tinctures” and “flavor profiles” and explain why egg whites and Chartreuse are God’s gift to mixologists everywhere.
9. Pull out your 15 mixology tools like they do in movies when they unwrap deadly tools to torture people with, and then describe in great detail their many purposes to guests until they express their desire to wrap their lips around a tailpipe to end their excruciating boredom.
One final thing you should know about us mixologists is that we don’t “make drinks”. Instead we “craft cocktails”.
I am writing a book about this very thing and I’m calling it Krafting Kocktails With Duane. “Crafting” and “Cocktails” both start with a “C” but I am using “K’s” because I am super “Kreative”. Haha, see what I mean?
My mom has already told me that she will buy three copies of my book when it comes out. I have been working on my book for three years now and it already has 31 pages and has much better writing than you will ever read on Dave’s stupid blog.
When I’m a best-selling mixologist author, I will come order a drink from Dave at his bar and not tip him because he never learned the great art of Mixology. Plus, he would always say, “I’m going to Duane my main vein” when he had to go to the bathroom.
Sincerely yours forever,
Duane The Mixologist, a.k.a. Sir Mix-a-Lot (Haha)