Hey Y’all, It’s National Red Wine Day…Let’s Get Sloshed.

I have to be honest and say that I’m not really a red wine guy. All that sniffing and swirling and looking for the “legs” cascading down the glass.

And then there’s always that one guy at the table who has to gurgle the wine between his teeth like Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs, which then makes me think of the guy who flicked that horrible viscus substance into Jodi Foster’s eye, so now for the rest of the night when I look at that guy and his red-stained teeth gurgling his wine, that’s all I see: The sticky-fluid-flicker (for lack of a more descriptive, yet more disgusting term).

The point is, it’s all a little too posh for me. I think I’m too simple for wine.

Except I did like the movie Sideways, but mainly because I like Lowell from that old TV show Wings and because he spends the entire movie trying to get laid.

Besides that, wine? Meh.

But that’s just me.

Maybe if I could play quarters while drinking it, or do a wine bong or shotgun it in some creative way, then it’s something I might seriously consider, but it would be really difficult to bounce that quarter all the way to the top of a wine glass.

Still, if you could guarantee me immunity for getting hammered on a Tuesday because it’s a national holiday, I’m all in.

By the way, Boone’s Strawberry Hill doesn’t count as red wine unless you’re 14 – 16 years old and drinking it in the basement-bedroom of your friend’s older brother who just dropped out of college and came back home but didn’t have a room anymore because his parents turned it into a meditation room, so now he’s forced to live beneath the earth with the washer and dryer.

I understand that you probably came here to learn all about red wine day and totally wasted 90 seconds of your life, which makes me a time thief.

My apologies. I owe you one.

Now go get schnockered with your girlfriends.

Cheers, until next time,


P.S. In case you’re interested, my favorite day of the year is National Bourbon Day (a.k.a. Christmas II).

P.P.S. In terms of holidays, National Red Wine Day is sort of like President’s Day. Nobody really gives a shit until it arrives and then you’re like “Hey, no work. Sweet!”

P.P.S. Actually, my favorite day of the year is National Bourbon Eve, because I get so excited about Bourbon Day that I celebrate by drinking enough bourbon with my brother-in-law to agree to go out in his back yard and shoot styrofoam coyote targets with his compound hunting bow.

I think I’m done now.

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