As a recent graduate of Bowman’s Academy of Acting in the top 87% of my class, I decided to get a temporary job as a server with Dave at his dumb bar, but I am only working here until my talent agent gets me an audition to be the newest sister on the Kardashians.

Due to my hotness and razor sharp brain, I am definitely probably the best server you’ll ever meet.  Just last week I brought extra napkins to a table who had ordered buffalo wings without them even asking and one of the guys told me, “Thanks, Sandi, you are awesome,” which I totally am.

Another reason I am such a good server is that I wear an apron with a dozen ballpoint pens lined up in the pockets and I can also hold up to two orders in my head at one time without writing them down.

My hobbies include: sleeping til noon, tanning, sweatpants, and sleeping with boys to try and get them to love me.

My manager, Frank, tells me I have really good ideas, and he’s not just saying that so he can get in my pants.

I recently had an idea that definitely should be made a law:  I think when patrons come in to eat, they should tell me how much they are going to tip, then I will give them service that reflects their tipping percentage.

I call it “Reverse tipping communication ideology”.  If that sounds like a good idea to you, it’s because it is.

If you want to be an elite server like me, then you should listen to me because I can tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and how you can be more like me.  Dave asked me to come on his stupid blog and give my 7-Step Guide to becoming a great server like me.

I asked him to pay me for my geniusness but he said no because he’s a cheap asshole.

Step 1:  Complain to everyone working that night that you are “in the weeds” and when the hostess triple-seats you, go yell at her and tell her that she will never become a server because she is a dumb slut.  Or if it’s really slow, complain to everyone working that night that you aren’t making any money and that they should give you their tables because you are prettier than them.  Either way, whether it’s busy or slow, you will be able to practice complaining a lot.

Step 2:  If you are one of these people, don’t ever come sit in my section:  1) People from countries that don’t tip, like Spain or Paris.  2) People with kids.  3) Anyone who isn’t rich and white.  4)  People who order a side of ranch with everything.  5) People who want refills.  If you want all this stuff, you should have stayed home and got it yourself.

Step 3:  Talk to your table a lot about your life and what you are doing and why it’s important and how you had to take your cat to the vet because she got a tick on her neck.

If they start to talk about their lives, quickly excuse yourself and say that you have to refill waters at another tables, but don’t actually do it.  Instead go in the back and complain to the other servers that table 9 is full of pompous assholes who think they are better than you.

Step 4:  Don’t ever be friends with a girl named Michelle Rykers. She will screw your boyfriend and the only way to get back at her is to use her toothbrush to clean the toilet. Or sleep with her dad, which was really gross.

Step 5:  During one of your 12 smoke breaks, be really nice to people to their face and then when they walk away, talk about how fat and fake they are to another server. Sincerity is the first step to becoming a great server, even though I listed it as step 5.

Step 6:  Constantly ask the bartender what garnish goes on your drinks. They love to be involved in the process of helping you with stuff you should have learned in training but forget all the time.

Also, tell him to hook you up with some free drinks, and if he doesn’t go tell all the female servers that he has really bad breath.  And syphilis.

Step 7:  Don’t ever sleep with the manager because as soon as you do he’ll pretend he’s not interested any more and he won’t call you back no matter how much you text him or drop by his apartment and knock on his door, and then he’ll change the schedule so you aren’t working the same shifts as him.

If I could give one piece of advice to people who want to become a server, it would be to understand that what I think and feel is the most important thing on this planet.  And ranch dressing sucks!

Dave tells me that these steps don’t really tell people how to become a server, and that they aren’t really steps at all but more like aimless bitching and rambling, but he never gives me free shots when I ask for them, so I hope he dies of thirst in the desert.

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