Sometimes I love my job. And sometimes I feel like a dirty hooker lying on her back on a urine soaked mattress in a sleazy motel: I focus on a spot on the wall and allow my mind to drift to a happier place in order to avoid the sweating, grunting clientele who just want what they want without the distraction of human interaction or emotional commitment.
If you ever find yourself in my bar and feel the need to act like one of these douchebags I’m speaking of, follow this simple step-by-step guide to ensure that you and everyone you come in contact with has an awkward, uncomfortable bar experience.
Step 1: Upon arriving, become annoyed when Dave asks for your ID, as he should know who you are. It is extremely inconvenient to dislodge your license from the little plastic window in your wallet and can only be compared to receiving paper cuts on your eyelids. Dave should know, just by looking at you, that you are 22 years old and more important than God.
Step 2: If you come alone, pretend to check your phone a lot, as this will make it appear as if you have lots of friends who can’t live without your constant counsel and comment. Every once in awhile, grin or laugh and pretend to text something.
To make new friends at the bar, yell out, “Let’s do some shots, whoooooooooo!” to the people next to you, but don’t offer to pay for them. There’s always a chance that there will be a responsible adult in the group who is kind and stupid enough to offer.
Step 3: If Dave is busy, reach your arm across the people sitting at the bar and snap your fingers at him to demand his attention. Inform him that you’ve been waiting awhile and inquire whether or not you’ll get free drinks for the aggravation you have endured.
If he refuses, leave a 25 cent tip and then tell the people whose backs you’ve been leaning on that the bartenders here suck. If Dave notices your tip before you have a chance to back away, tell him that you’ll get him next time and let him know that he’s still your boy by shaping your fingers into a pistol and shooting him while making that snickering noise people do with their mouths to get horses to come to them.
Step 4: To break the ice with girls, talk to them about your fantasy football team and how if Adrian Peterson would have had just 600 more yards and 12 more touchdowns you would have won your league. I
f she appears disinterested, call attention to the potential benefits she might have enjoyed considering the fact that winning your league would have banked you $150 and as a hypothetical result you would have bought her at least one cocktail and possibly even a beer by now.
If that doesn’t work ask her if she has ninjas in her pants, because her ass is kickin’, and then touch her awkwardly on the lower back.
Step 5: Pretend that everyone you are speaking to has cotton packed into their ears and the only way for them to hear you is to scream four inches from the side of their face. Complain about everything going on in the bar.
This will demonstrate to others that you are too good for this place and do not tolerate mediocrity. Tell those around you that the music sucks and that it’s too bright and that there are no bitches here for you to hook up with.
Complain about how weak your Jack and Coke is and the next time you order a drink from Dave, order a “Strong Island” and tell him to hook a brotha’ up. Assume that he is perfectly happy risking his job for you by not charging for the extra alcohol.
Step 6: While at the urinal, strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. Point out that it’s a sausage-fest at the bar tonight, implying that you are the only person with a penis who should be allowed to congregate here and that the rest of the crowd should be women begging to go home with you.
Every few seconds, glance over at your new friend and see what he’s got going on in his urinal, and then insinuate your superior size by giving a soft chuckle at what you find.
Step 7: Once you are sufficiently sloshed, head out to the dance floor and grind up on some hoes. Make certain to raise the roof while making a loud “Woo-woo” sound. Exhibit your gangsta side by bobbing your head and your pretend glock to the beat while shouting the lyrics to every rap song that is played. While dancing, experiment with pick-up lines that only sluts would appreciate (“Nice legs, what time do they open?”) so as to weed out the prudes and undesirables.
After you finish your vodka Redbull go back to the bar and tell Dave that a busser took your drink and that he needs to make you a new one for free.
Step 8: When Dave cuts you off for being over-intoxicated, give a look of treacherous disbelief and then become violently angry, as if you have just been accused of raping your own mother.
Yell out to everyone in the bar that this place is bullshit and then point at Dave and ask him if he has any idea who he’s fucking with. Make a scene when the bouncers escort you out by thrashing about like a fish on a hook. Once outside, scream at the bouncers for being dicks. Stagger fifty feet down the sidewalk and puke in the bushes.
Step 9: Get on Facebook the next morning and post something awesome like, “Waz up bitches!!! Yo, got my drink on last night. Girls were grinding all up on my junk!!! Heading to the drug store to replenish my condom supply, if you know what I mean! Haha!! Get some Bro!!! Peace out!!!!!!”
Step 10: Lock yourself in the bathroom and masturbate. Watch Jersey Shore marathon.
Cheers, until next time.